Mercury, gimme a break yeah?!

Apparently the lovely planet Mercury is in retrograde, and while I'm not a great follower of the planet and stars, it's true that whenever that darn planet does its retrograde thing a lot in my life goes haywire: Things keep going wrong, everything suddenly gets complicated, I become an emotional mess and feel the great urge to hide in a room for a week surrounded by chocolate.

So, I'm in Holland and it's lovely to see everyone, my parents, my brother, old friends. But the first 2-3 nights Dylan decides to break his lovely habit of sleeping 10 hrs straight in favour of waking up every 1-2 hrs. By the 3rd day I was so wrecked that I kept crying whenever someone spoke to me and I wailed at Andy: 'we have to go home, I can't do this! I keep getting RA flare ups, am a complete physical wreck and now I am not getting any sleep either!'

Then I calmed down, looked at baby animals in Amsterdam Zoo (Artis), and felt a tad bit better (though a horrible man screamed at me, he thought I was jumping the queue, which I wasn't, so I cried again!). There were a baby lion, a baby elephant and a baby gorilla in the zoo. Baby animals do make a lot in life better, I think.

Then, I took some practical measures to improve the sleeping situation for Dylan and luckily, last night, he slept like his good old self, though I still kept waking up anyway, but it was a different kind of disturbance then having Dylan need me every 2 hrs.

So, today, I feel more rested, and a bit better, though Mercury keeps f*cking with me. And I'm totally trying to find my inner zen about it all, but at the moment chocolate works better than zen. Or rather: I am able to access chocolate more easily than zen.

Here are some fun pics from being here so far:

Me and my bro:



Me, my bro and the most magical man in the world:



Dylan & Daddy in Artis (Dylan 2 weeks away from being 2 years old!)



Dylbee look at the 'rhaa rhaa' (Lion) he's tiny, you prob can't see him:



Baby lion! (Squee)



Dylan is loving his 'Obaa' (in Dutch: Grandpa = Opa, but he keeps saying: 'Obaa' ha ha). Every morning he wakes up and the first thing he says is: 'Obaa?'. Ha ha. Haven't taken pics of them together yet but will do and will film as well. :)

I've been reading the 'Fallen Series' by Lauren Kate and really liked the 3 books. (It's official, I am a teenager, forever it seems. I like reading Harry Potter, Twilight (sshhh!) and now the Fallen series, all categorised in the 'children's' section. Ha ha.) Oh well. Would it helps if I told you I also downloaded a copy of 'Pride and Prejudice' to my iPhone? There, a bit of Austen sophistication should help! ;) Now, I'm annoyed though as I have to wait until early 2012 for the 4th book in the series. Meh, not happy!

It's funny, how since I downloaded the iBook app to my phone I read about a book a week, it's just so convenient having the books on my phone, I looooove it. I'm a total tech lover that way. Sure, I love real books, the feel of them and all, but it doesn't beat the convenience of having everything nicely packed up in my little iPhone. :) Anyhoo.

Here is some of my latest digital art that I hadn't posted yet (Title: "It's Raining Flowers - Hallelujah"):



So, for the rest of the week I shall continue to meet up with friends, spend time with my family and try like hell to avoid more of the wrath of mercury by hiding my head in chocolate. Love to all! xooxox

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Digital Dreams is now available to pre-order on DVD or buy access to the self study group for a lower fee.

Digital Dreams

Now available on Self Study

(DVD available end of August 2011 - pre-order NOW!)



I am now offering 2 options.

PLEASE NOTE: PHOTOSHOP ELEMENTS SUPPORT IS NOT AVAILABLE ON THE SELF STUDY AND DVD EDITION YOU WILL NEED A VERSION OF PHOTOSHOP CS TO TAKE THIS COURSE.

You can either buy a


1. Self study version only (cheaper) and not receive a DVD - (£33 GBP - approx $56 USD)

or

2. Purchase a self study option AND a DVD (£40 GBP - approx $65 USD).

(Please note: The DVDs aren't currently ready yet, but I'll have them available in about 3 weeks time - approx end of August 2011. So you can pre-order the DVD now or just purchase access to the self study group. )

Digital Dreams - Choose Your Product

Self Study only (no DVD) £33.00DVD + access to self study group £40.00

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Preparations for the biggest course EVAR have begun. Registration will start in October. Keep watching this space. "Life Book - an honouring and celebration of YOU!" is coming soon to a server near you! :D

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And don't forget, if you want to win any of 7 amazing prizes, do leave a comment HERE, or HERE. :)

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And remember that I always have special offers on offer for those who want to buy more than 1 of my courses, check them out here.

♥

Wales, new art and Winners of Give Away announced!

Hello, I'm back from Wales and had an amazing yet challenging time. :-) We were lucky that the weather changed from grey, windy, rainy and blustery to sunny and blue sky for the most part of the week! Let me tell you this helps a lot when all of your life (for a week) is lived in a big grassy field and a tent. Ha ha.

We spent the week with another 70 people or so of all ages, this brought with it a lot of joy and also challenges. The challenges were met with the approach and consciousness of NVC (nonviolent communication) find out more here: www.cnvc.org. Some of the joys were the wonderful sense of connection and community; there was always someone to support you if you needed help, someone to empathise with you if you were in some kind of pain and an allround willingness to be open, honest, authentic and vulnerable.

We were joined by two amazing NVC trainers, Catherine Cadden and Jesse Wiens - who ran a lot of the sessions and brought through a lot of love, depth, experience and inspiration.

One of the things that was hard for me and Andy was to join in on some of the sessions as we were always busy with Dylan. I would've enjoyed more 'childcare' of some kind. They organised one session where volunteers looked after the little ones and Andy and I were able to go to another session just the two of us which was wonderful, but I would've liked more of that. This was, however, the first ever NVC Family camp of this kind in the UK so it's no wonder it had some teething issues. I hope for future ones that there will be more toddler activities/ nursery type things organised so that Andy and I can also join in on more sessions.

Another wonderful thing that happened was that Callum a 9 year old boy became good friends with Dylan. Dylan absolutely LOVED him and wouldn't leave his side if he could help it. I want to share pics but need to ask Callum's mum if that is ok first. :) Many other older children played with Dylan as well which was just awesome. Dylan had a really good time. Sadly on the last day he sprained his ankle though which was a shame, but overall he had a wonderful time.

Also, the nights were totally not as cold as they were in April. Hilariously because I was expecting it to be really cold I layered up really properly the first night and found that I was, get this; TOO HOT. Ha ha. So that was great. :) The nights were doable though the biggest challenge were the noises: wind, the sound of a little water stream behind us and sheep everywhere.

All in all it was an amazing experience. I'm so proud of myself to have done it, not to mention I found out I can actually survive with only 1 shower in a whole week, didn't think I could, haha!

Anyhoo, we're back now and I'm working hard on my next course Digital Dreams (still time to sign up if you haven't already! :)) and other bits for my sites. It's crazy busy!!

Oh, here is some new art I haven't shared yet on the blog. A new digital piece:



And some new art journal pages:











This is a new mixed media piece on watercolour paper:



And these are two completely different styles, intentionally so, the first is inspired by M.A. Wakeley:



I loved the process of this, as it was all abstract and mostly about combining colour it worked as a very meditative process. I really like the final page too. :)

The second one is inspired by Jesse Reno. I call his work: 'ugly pretty'. It's the kind of art (to me) that is in many ways not attractive, but due to the many many layers/ intricacies and incredible composition and attention to details becomes short from amazing. I liked trying to do something similar but come nowhere close his brilliance, clearly, still it was fun to try:



And now without further ado, here is the video with the outcome of the WINNERS OF THE GIVEAWAY!! Congrats to all winners, pls email me if you can asap to claim your price! :) Big hugs everyone and thank you so much for taking part in the give away and filling in my poll!

Thank you babyloos, keep on rocking. Be back soon. xoxo

PS. I'm here on twitter and I'm here on Facebook. xoxo

Hibernation

You are Love


Aloha lovely reader. :) How are you? I'm feeling quiet. Is that possible, to feel quiet? Like a silent sort of hibernation type thing? Just inwards stuff? Does that make sense? I wonder if it's related to the pregnancy. This pregnancy feels very different from Dylan. With Dylan I had no nausea and I had heaps of energy. With this one I want to sleep 12 hours each night and just sit quietly doing very little all day long and I'm only in week 10! I just feel like I want to sleep all the time. Sleep or sit and do minor tasks. Last pregnancy I only felt like this in the last trimester. Odd.

So yes. All feels quiet and introspective. And it seems to be the case around me as well. Even my inbox is quiet! Ha ha. It must be some planets aligning one way or another.

Anyhoo. Last weekend we did lots of fun things with Dylan. The weather was absolutely gorgeous! We went to the park and playground with him on Saturday. He had so much fun and he just wouldn't sit still. He goes exploring everywhere, including the bushes! Lookit:



We also put up his very first paddling pool which he loved:



And we went to Stanmer Park which is stunning:



I laid in the daisies blissing out!

And here are some daddy & Dylan piccies which make my heart leap and my face smile:





And lastly, pretty pics of nature:







So, I shall go back to my hibernation time and preparations for my digital art course.

Big hugs x

Carousel

You are love. You are what exists before all stories. ~Byron Katie



We went away for the weekend to Portsmouth which is near an awesome farm called Manor Farm which sits in an awesome foresty park. Manor farm had baby duckies (eeeee). There was 1 mummy ducky with 15 (seriously) baby duckies. My head dazzled at the thought of having 15 babies. Bow down to the mummy ducky. And Portsmouth had a pier with a carousel. I love carousels. Particularly this one as it had pretty horses and colours.




The weekend was intended to relax and unwind me, but that was easier said than done as things like temperature, noise, type of mattress and Dylan all influenced my nightly rest and so I came home pretty much less relaxed, but definitely having had fun. :-)



Dylan had fun too. He particularly loved swimming in the hotel pool and exploring trees near the farm, also, picking up stones, attempting to walk through puddles and befriending all the 'oofs' that came his way. He also loves sitting in the front of the car, on daddy's seat, pretending to 'drive' the car. A real boy's boy, apparently. I find it fascinating that 'boy qualities' appear so early in children even though their parents don't tend to enforce any particular gender behaviour upon them. He just likes cars, already. Mh.

I've been feeling sick. I was nauseous before due to the noro virus, but the sickie feeling has lingered on and I'm now thinking it's proper pregnancy sickness, which is weird as I didn't have any pregnancy sickness with Dylan at all and there was none of it before the noro virus either, so I think it's weird that I should now all of a sudden have pregnancy sickness, but it also can't still be the noro virus either. It's like the noro virus 'kick-started' the nausea and then my stomach went: oh yeaeahah, we're pregnant so we should be sickie. I'm not enjoying it. I'm not full on 'needing to vomit' sick all the time, but no food seems attractive or interesting and it's important to get all the right nutrients in the first trimester, of course. So I'm force-feeding myself, but I often end up eating 'crap food' which I think I can 'keep in'. Like potato wedges or something.

Anyhoo. Other than that. Things are still up and down with Dylbee. I have wonderfully amazing moments with him as well as totally exhausting ones.

Andy and I were musing on why I find it so difficult when Dylan is 'difficult' as Andy doesn't enjoy it, but it doesn't zap him from energy like it does me.

Well, of course there is the fact that

1. I am pregnant in first trimester so I'm already totally exhausted anyway
2. I have rheumatoid arthritis. One of the major symptoms of this disease is fatigue.
3. I am still fighting off 2 or 3 viruses over the last month.
4. I generally don't sleep well as I attend to Dylbee (though he hardly wakes in the night anymore)

So those factors are there anyway. But, if you look at how I've always run my life, I have always wanted ease and comfort in my life. If something doesn't go 'my way' and it's causing me undue extra effort, I figure out a way to sort it. I remember as a child (probably being 10 or something) I used to sleep in a high sleeper and if I wanted to read in bed before sleeping I only had the main light that was on. It started to bug me that I had to actually get up out of the high sleeper to switch off the light every night so I devised this system which included a piece of string and little nails in the wall which basically enabled me to remain in bed and simply pull the string and switch off the light without getting out of bed. Ease, comfort and efficiency. I've always loved that in life.

When I can't sort out a problem that makes me really uncomfortable and uneasy I get really down about it and it drains me.

And this is what is happening with Dylbee at the moment. There are several things he wants to or does not want to do like: he does not want to sit in the car seat for instance, yet we have to go home, he then screams and arches his back etc. And it's real high energy and there is very little I can do about it, OR I have to give it all of my energy to sort it out. And so because there isn't an easy solution (well there can be in the form or shouting/ hitting but of course we don't do that) it makes me tired and down.

But it's odd. Within the span of 1 day there'll be 3/4 high energy annoying moments and then we came home this afternoon and Dylan was an absolute lovely delight. So delightful in fact that I'd have another 3 of him.

So it's jumping from one end of the spectrum to the other. Like a seesaw. Ha. But through all of that, there is an undeniable force of love for the little man. A fire which I know will never burn out. Never.

I am loving how Andy is seeing and taking all this, he's saying that this baby experience, having Dylan, is making him feel more connected to humanity. He keeps saying 'this is what all the people before us have gone through' and it makes him feel connected. He's pretty amazing, my husband. :)



In other news. I had the first appointment with my new midwife for baby nr 2 last week and she was super lovely. Last time round I was pushed from one midwife to the next so none of them really committed to me, but this one is sticking with me throughout. I love that. According to her my due date is November 9th. :) I have the official dating scan on the 4th May. :)

It feels kinda strange to do all the maternity stuff and pregnancy stuff again. But also exciting. :)

Of course, it also feels daunting. If one can be this difficult, what is 2 going to do to me? Ha ha. Ah well, we shall see!

On the course front, 21 secrets has started and it's going so wonderfully. There is such a wealth of information on this course, it's super cool. You can still sign up if you haven't already. (Thank you all so much to those who have already signed up through my link, it means LOADS to me! :D).

Also, my M3 course is now available on DVD/ self study and that is going well as well! Check out HERE, if you're interested in signing up.

I am working on a new digital course which will include basics on photoshop and PDF making. People have been asking me for a while now to teach photoshop and digital art so that will be my first next course, though there are other courses in the pipeline too! More on those soon.

Oh, if you want to keep up to date with my art and products, you can sign up to my newsletter HERE.

And I am on facebook HERE and my tweetsies are over HERE.

Alright lovelies. Thank you for reading and commenting, though I can't always reply individually know that I relish in your comments and love and that I love you. <3

Starshine on a string

So, the last week and a half have not been easy in the land of Tam. It started off with me running a low level depression which evolved into a more darker depression and then transformed into a more lighter space (this afternoon), luckily. I've also had a really bad cold and have generally not been well physically (back ache and rheumatism flare up - no pregnancy sickness or anything like that btw, I didn't get sick with Dylan and looks like I won't with this one either, but I digress).

Dylan has been really sick though recovering now and he has been really difficult for me behaviourally. (yeah, if it's not the sleeping thing another difficulty will pop up, I've been told this is the story of parenthood .. sigh).

Basically, lately, everything with him is drama. Putting on clothes, changing his nappy, going in the pushchair, not being allowed holding a sharp knife, wiping his snotty nose, cleaning his face etc etc, it's all things he doesn't want to do and protests loudly and violently each time we attempt one such activity. (Mostly he cries or throws a tantrum of some sorts).

This is incredibly draining for me. I find it so so unpleasant to have this 'battle of wills'. And I feel so 'hard done' by because we, as parents, give Dylan so much freedom and choice compared to other parents and so it feels unfair that he won't cooperate with things as simple as 'putting on your trousers'. It zaps me of all energy, just one of those battles drains me for the week and they can happen several times in a day.

With all this comes; 1. self doubt ("what is we are doing so 'wrong' that makes him so defiant and non-cooperative?") 2. guilt ("i really don't want to be with him if he's like this, it zaps me from all my energy, i'm such a terrible mother, how can i not want to be with my own child?") 3. self judgement ("you are just too lazy and wary to discipline him properly") 4. confusion/ inner dialogue ("i don't want to shout at him/ get angry with him, i also know shouting isn't effective anyway - so what is effective? is gentle parenting just not getting us anywhere? i am incapable of being a 'nazi parent' - is either option then not desirable? am I just left between a rock and a hard place?") 5. exhaustion 6. sadness 7. depression.



Now, before you start connecting to the difficult stuff, I am currently in a much better place as Andy, Dylan and I have spent an afternoon in the park together and Andy and I were able to really talk and think of strategies to deal with the situation (plus I had a chocolate icecream which always helps! ;)). So, the description of the difficulty above is all about the last week or so and has now changed. I think that the fact that I'm feeling lighter has also made me able to write because I was so down last week I could barely muster up the most basics of tasks.


Anyhoo: in summary: I've been having a tough time dealing with Dylbee's frustrations and needs for freedom and choice and as a consequence have been feeling really low because of it.

I know this is a common phase in toddlerhood (testing the boundaries and really wanting to gain independence), so I know we're not alone, but we do have a more unconventional approach to child rearing so it's not easy to find the gentler approach to sorting out these problems. I know distractions is a method and reinforcing positive behaviour etc, so we're on that, but still, the whole thing is not easy by any means.

I was saying to Andy earlier that I always thought it was a bit of a cliche when people said that 'parenting was the hardest job they had ever had' and now I know that to be a truth truer than true. It *is* the hardest job I've ever done, harder than market research, harder than working in a laundry factory (which I did once for 6 weeks when I was 16) and much harder than being a full time artist and online teacher. It is a relentless, sometimes painful, deeply frustrating, unforgiving job. It can zap you of all you have inside of you and more.

It is a spiritual slap in the face sometimes as it requires a 'giving in' and a 'letting go' of all that you deem is important to you. It requires a disappearing of self, a humility and an attitude to 'serve'. It is the ultimate zen practise. (And I suck at the whole thing, lol -> I'm sooooo resisting, resisting, resisting).

OF COURSE, there are the amazing bits too. It's like this parenthood thing lives on both sides of the spectrum, you have amazingly hard and amazingly joyous moments.

Like, when your toddler hides under a towel making funny noises or gives you a huge sloppy snotty kiss without you expecting it. Or when he snuggles up to you on the couch when he watches waybuloo. Or the way his face lights up when he goes down the slide or when he swings high on the swings. The way he shouts DAAAA DAAAA really loudly to get his daddy's attention. Or the way he suddenly likes daddy's couscous food. Or the way his hair sits like little Mohawks on his head and how he suddenly knows how to put a puzzle together. The way he lights up when he sees you because he hasn't seen you for 7 hours. There are a million amazing moments and a million difficult moments.



This is it. Sitting in the fire. This is all about presence, being with what is.

Friday night, I was in tears, just crying and crying. Same this morning, feeling absolutely miserable. And oh the irony of feeling that I'm going through my darkest (so far) time with Dylan the week after I found out I am pregnant again and thinking to myself: "effing hell what are we doing having a second one?!"

And then I look at the weekly pregnancy info and read that this baby is now the size of a blueberry and that is so cute in my head, I explode a little inside and there it is; the first real bonding. I have a strong feeling the baby is a blueberry girl, very cool if it's a blueberry boy too, but my senses say a girl. And I think about this blueberry girl and all my doubts dissipate, even though she too will probably not want to wear her trousers when she is 19 months old and she'll drive me to despair not wanting to sit in her pushchair or smearing yogurt and snot all over my trousers. And I'll realise again that it's about acceptance and giving in and going with what is and presence, awakeness and presence. That is the river, that is the flow.

But, this is also about self-nurturing and self love and knowing when to take that break before you break. And I'm well aware of that and I'm taking steps. I'm art journalling more and I made a few dollies and I'm taking it much easier with my work load.

The problem with me as well is that when I do catch a virus it impacts on my RA, so I both have to fight off a virus (feeling all snotty and coughing and sore throat etc) while also then flaring up with the RA - massive joint pains) AND I'm pregnant too which is exhausting. So, physically it's even harder to deal with an irate toddler who insists on stabbing himself with the sharpest knife he can find ...

Anyhoo, so I need rest, TLC, love, kindness, empathy, connection, belonging, self love and all them other nice things we tend to forget to give ourselves.

I think I may book myself in for a spa day soon (haven't ever done that before!), I desperately want a pedicure too now that spring is a'coming. :)

So, there you have it, that was my week and a half and the turmoils of my soul, aren't you glad you stopped by? ;)

And here some more of my new art.





Oh and look how cool my 'paint over collage' prints look!





And here a sneak peak at my booootiful dollie who I looove. The wig took me many hours and I ended up covered in mohair, including the insides of my nose. :) More on her soon. x



Thanks for listening pretty reader, I appreciate 'being heard' by you.

Snuggabugs!

Oh ps. Andy is my starshine. He's so amazing in the middle of all of the dark stuff. He's my rock, my all. <3