So, I said I'd do shorter and more often blog posts, but all the stuff I want to write about seems to have long, endless thought processes attached to them. Ack. Why can't I just write quick things about muffins or puppy dogs? Or post 1 picture blog posts? I used to do that on livejournal, I used to post 4 times a day with funny little tidbits! Ha ha. I suppose that is what Facebook is for me now. The really short posts go there!
Anyhoo, there are a few things I want to write about. One thing I wanted to write about is my dreadful incapacity to remain awake, mindful and aware. In a zen sort of way, that is. It seems I really like being asleep, in a zen sort of way, I don't mean, physically asleep, but more 'mind-asleep'.
What I mean by that is: I relish in just going into automatic mode. The physically awake, yet trance like state of just doing/ being, without being present. I like it there, it's warm and cosy and comfy and snug, for some reason. Oddly, I also like being alert, aware and mindful, in fact, when I'm there, is when I feel most alive. But my default position and go-to state of being is snuggy sleepy cosy. Why? I just don't know. Clearly, I prefer it there, most needs get met there, rather than in that other head/ life space.
The reason I have a problem with sleepy mode is because in that mode I am less healthy and present and here-now. I eat too much, without knowing why I eat, I watch too much tv (on in the background) without really watching it, the noise ust lulls me; I'm dozy, spaced out, only sort of half here, half alive... Like being drugged up of sorts.
Though it's a comfy space to be in, that is not the space where I'm clear headed, healthy, emotionally robust, spiritually free and appreciating my life here.now. I would really like to be light and free and awake and aware, but clearly I also want that other state, otherwise, why would I be there? I need me some Eckhart Tolle helpsies.
I'm glad that I'm not judging myself as such for prefering sleepy mode over mindful-mode, because the harsh self judgements just seem to make things worse, however, I do wish I could be less sleepy mode, more mindful-mode. Spiritual teachers all over the place would have all sorts of responses to this that would baffle me I'm sure. I can see Mooji, Byron Katie and Tolle now trying to respond to my stuff and me just not getting it. Ha ha.
Anyhoo, just wanted to write this up, not really trying to find a solution, just trying to write more frequent, shorter blog posts, hee hee! :) Oh also, I usually have a great resistance towards any offered solutions, like: meditate or build rock towers (though I like the idea of that one more!).
:) Over and out, I'm going to try be more awake and mindful now.
PS. Of course, the fact that I am sleep deprived on a daily basis due to 2 kids under the age of 3 doesn't help with the mind staying awake, never even mind the body! ;P Thanks for reading, lovely reader. x
I'm glad you reminded yourself of the sleep deprived mum-of-two-under-three-ness there. It's natural to go into auto-mode when you're at that point. Once the little one starts sleeping through more regularly, and you are fully recovered from the birth AND the exhaustion, *then* you can work on getting back to being more mindful.
ReplyDeleteIn other words? Don't expect to be able to be present quite as much for the next 6-8 months or so. It's just part of what being the mummy of two littlies it like, I'm afraid!
Now that I'm (mostly) caught up on sleep, I'm much more present. It takes time, though! *hugs* xxx
While not wanting to drive in your lane and play fix it, one thought did occur to me as I read your post. While being sleep deprived is one way to feel off balance, another consideration in your case is postpartum depression. I am tossing that to your lane. Do with it as you will. Be Gentle with You!
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you, but I HATE the sleepy place. I don't prefer being there, but rather feel stuck there, unable to climb out.
ReplyDeleteUm......not to overstate the obvious here.....but you did just grow a complete (and wonderful) new human being for the past 9 (NINE) months!!
ReplyDeleteOh, and you are feeding 2 (TWO) human beings from your body, right?
....and sleep deprived?...running an on-line art course?...Girl....it's lucky you get out of bed at all!!
Take it easy on yourself Tam.....To me you are a marvel, wonderwoman, supergirl.
Glad you mentioned that you were sleep deprived.....you DO have an excuse, and things will get better eventually...and I agree...it IS a comfortable place because you don't have to think about anything really....just move thru the day....I find myself in this zone lately due to being alone, and it's winter and yucky out right now, and it's just too much effort to be otherwise.....I know this too shall pass, and I would rather not be in this cloud, but sometimes it is just too much effort to get out of...Hugs and Love Tam...you are the best, no matter if you aren't fully awake or not...../
ReplyDeleteI think this state is preferable to most people, only a few admit it because these days we all have to 'on it' and 'doing stuff' and 'achieving' or we are 'failing'. Of course this is bullcrap, it is a known fact that stress can be lethal health wise and we are not even aware of stress most of the time. So dangerous. Sleep is soooooooo important, apparently I learned while living in Greece all those years that sleep can allow you to live longer and stay LOOKING younger. I couldn't argue with THAT! But yes, Tam, give yourself a break, you have just given birth, you have a toddler AND you have your art...of course you are going to enjoy that state of 'detached euphoria' because it lets you release the sense of obligation you have to DO things all the time. Big hugz! xxx
ReplyDeleteOh and I think a balance is perfect...I work hard during the day and so feel that I have earned my kicking back mode in the evening....xxx
ReplyDeleteI like the sleepy space too. My default is tucked up in bed asleep.
ReplyDeleteAs for blogging more regularly... Have you tried the new blogger iPhone app? Might help perhaps.