like rho, i don't really want to dwell on sadness or anger, but this image kept popping up in my head when i was trying to think of a photo that makes me sad or angry. with this photo, it makes me both sad & angry.
may there be peace on earth. may there be peace & compassion in the hearts of all men & women on earth.
"Momma Zen: Walking the Crooked Path of Motherhood" - by Karen Maezen Miller
I've only read about 4 chapters of the book but loving it so far. It's a very significant book to me as it deals with 2 of the main themes in my life at the moment; motherhood & "being here now-ness".
Her up and coming book; "Hand Wash Cold" also looks beautiful, will definitely get that one too.
There is a youtube video for that one which is rather tranquil and inspiring here.
Day 03 — A television program you watch too much. (30 days of tumblr).
ha ha. which one DON’T i watch too much? ;) there are many tv shows i watch, they put my brain in zombie mode, and having a highly active brain, i sometimes need zombie mode. here follows a list of my fav tv shows;
house, grey’s, private practice, the office, scrubs, 24, being human, castle, dexter, the tudors, true blood, dollhouse (cancelled :(), flashforward, fringe, lost, mercy, nurse jackie, peep show, qi, the bubble, supernatural (hush, i like ghost shows), the vampire diaries (hush, i like vampire shows), V.
in the past i have also religiously watched; friends, alias, charmed & buffy (hush again; it’s magic/ ghosts and vampires that i like, for some reason ;)).
so, the trend here is;
medical, comical, ghostly, vampiric, magicky shows. + english comedy talk shows - obviously - rock my socks.
out of all of those, the tv program i have watched too much of (but really, is there such a thing as too much?) =
grey’s anatomy
i have probably watched seasons 1-5 perhaps 3 or 4 times. there are some episodes of grey’s that really had me hanging on the edge of my chair. (remember the bomb episode/ izzy and danny story line/ mer drowning etc?). there is something about that show that just had me spellbound.
i’m not enjoying season 6 very much though, which bugs me to no end. i keep hoping it’ll get better. but since george & izzy have gone and meredith took more of a backseat role. :( mmeh.
i started 30 days of tumblr yesterday. i'm posting them here and on livejournal also though, for fun, yes yes. :)
so, this is the list to do in the next 30 days. do it with me? (you don't have to be on tumblr, you can do it whereever!).
Day 01 — A newly discovered song. Day 02 — A movie you want to see. Day 03 — A television program you watch too much. Day 04 — A good book. Day 05 — Quote of the Day. Day 06 — Something random. Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy. Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad. Day 09 — A photo you took. Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago. Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently. Day 12 — Something random. Day 13 — A fictional book Day 14 — A non-fictional book. Day 15 — Something that is currently over-rated. Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly) Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.) Day 18 — Something random. Day 19 — A talent of yours. Day 20 — A hobby of yours. Day 21 — A pair of shoes. Day 22 — A website. Day 23 — A YouTube video. Day 24 — Something random. Day 25 — Your day, in great detail. Day 26 — Your week, in great detail. Day 27 — This month, in great detail. Day 28 — This year, in great detail. Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days. Day 30 — Something random.
this was my entry for day 1;
DAY 01 - a newly discovered song
a newly discovered song. (30 days of tumblr) - well not that newly discovered, but i haven't discovered that much new music lately so i'm making this one count as a newly discovered one (ha ha). i absolutely ADORE antony & the johnsons, adore adore adore. i love this song of theirs (epilepsy is dancing). his lyrics are pure divine poetry to me.
Epilepsy is dancing Shes the Christ now departing And Im finding my rhythm As I twist in the snow
All the metal burned in me Down the brain of my river That fire was searching For a waterway home
I cry glitter is love! My eyes pinned inside With green jewels Hanging like Christmas stars From a golden vein
As I came to a screaming Hold me while Im dreaming For my fingers are curling And I cannot breathe
Then I cried in the kitchen How Id seen your ghost witching As a soldering blue line Between my eyes
I cry glitter is love! My eyes Pinned inside Sea green jewels Hanging like Christmas stars From a golden vein
Cut me in quadrants Leave me in the corner Oh now its passing Oh now Im dancin
**
i do a version of their 'hope there's someone' here.
and this was today's;
DAH 2 - THIRTY DAYS OF TUMBLR → a movie you want to see ->
Precious
because the trailer brought tears & beauty to my eyes.
xxx
*** other than that;
i am sick, tired and achy. i am also experiencing some anxiety around health. am very much focused on sorting it out though.
in other news; i ROCK at angry birds and i ROCK at 'plants vs zombies'. :0) (iphone games).
in the most important news; i LOVE andy. he is my rock, beautiful support and angel.
i WORSHIP dylbee, snot, poo, pee, puke included. :)
& i did a new clay house! this one is twice the size than usual though!
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we've been staying in southwark for the last week, in the borough market area and it reminds me of a neil gaiman novel. with its quaint little streets, funky little pubs and old wharfs brimming with history; i can imagine neil's characters flitting about all over the place, either as ghosts, in the shape of mice or people who can't be seen and live 'under london'.
i miss reading books. i would 'blame' having a child for not having read books in quite some time, but the honest truth is that i tend to only read when i'm on trains or on holidays. and i'm only on trains when i have a job somewhere which requires me to 'train' to it, and i don't have such a job at the moment. and i'm also not often on holiday, maybe once, rarely twice a year. so, i miss reading, but i won't read unless i'm on a train or on holiday. it's a kind of compulsion really.
me and london are good friends. we go way back. i first arrived here in 1995. if london were a person he (yes, it's a he) would say to most people; 'hey, come on in, make yourself at home! nope, i don't care that you are different, unusual or a tad bit weird, i'm accepting and kind that way'. he would also say though; 'look; just do your thing, i'm a bit busy and don't really care about what you do or don't do, but feel free to just 'do your thing'. the first thing means that everyone is welcome here, no matter what race, creed, sexual orientation or lack of fashion sense. the second bit means that you live here rather anonymously and loneliness can kick in if you don't actively seek out friends. london doesn't provide much of a community. neighbours don't really know each other, and most people just focus on their own little circle.
but i like it here. london, it makes me feel free. i love its cobble stones (although they do make sure dylan is jostled around violently in his pram) and variety of architecture and old buildings. i love the buzz, the shops, the restaurants. but mostly, i love that i feel free here.
the hotel room we're staying in looks like a baby shop exploded in it. toys, half eaten pots of baby food, a blown up hippo ring, pram, nappy changing gear is strewn all over the place. staying in a hotel room for a week with a baby is not conducive to neat living!
for the first 2 nights dylan did not agree with the hotel room, he woke up at 2 again which is really unusual as he now standardly sleeps from 9 to 5ish. he's been back in the bed with me for the rest of the week and that went better.
i went to holborn yesterday to buy some very cool rubber stamps, did a bit of art with them;
the white script is done with the stamp. very cool i thought.
iris came round the other day too and i took this sweet pic of her and dylan;
and here is another nice picture of dylbee i took;
so, this post is a little disjointed but can't be bothered adjusting it, gotta go sleeps now. very tired. goodnight to whoever is reading this!
14.02.2010. electricity sparked from my fingers when i touched, in the dark, one of my mother's leopard-print pillows. i stared at the blue flickery lights in awe, electrified, and thought to myself; "no one will believe me when I tell them that electricity came from my fingers". then, i fell asleep.
***
15.02.2010. i walked into the hospital and stepped into the room that housed my birthfather, now in his 60ties, ravaged by a life too hard, awaiting open heart surgery. he looked well, even good, for someone with a heart problem. i even thought that his sharp facial features and his toned upper body resembled that of nick nolte's. when he saw me and dylan, he started weeping. weeping was something he'd been doing a lot more of in the last years.
on his windowsill stood photo frames with pictures of my son, my brother and me.
his speech was difficult, but his english was surprisingly good. i studied his face, his hands. his finger nails did an odd thing; they were rounded out around his fingers. his nose, pointy, looked a little like my brother's, not so much mine.
my birthfather holding me as a baby
***
16.02.2010. the wind was cold, the sky was cold and blue. we walked down to the shopping centre in hopes of finding the perfect restaurant or cafe to celebrate our 5 year anniversary in. i wanted a place that was understanding of how beautiful this was, but no cafe or restaurant seemed to understand the particular beauty that our union represented. we strolled back to the first 'brasserie' i had rejected. "all that matters is that we know, that we connect, that we stand still, for a moment" said andy, the most amazing man in the world. and i agreed. the restaurant, cafe, the particular place where we celebrated, did not matter. it was us that mattered. ♥ 5 years ♥
we each ordered a salad, andy chose salmon, i had goats cheese with honey. we each listed our top 5 wonderful memories of each other, andy recalled my shuffling feet rushing back from the bathroom when i found out i was pregnant with dylan. i remembered a moment of great empathy, andy has oodles of it, for me, and kisses, there are always the kisses.
***
17.02.2010. "he's got my ears!" my mum exclaimed proudly! i stared with curiousity at her ears, and goodness me; she was right. both hers and dylan's are a little 'flappy'. i'd never noticed it on my mum before, her layered light brown hair always cover them up. so cute. i smiled.
***
18.02.2010. my step father walked in with a sly smile on his face. always the kidder, always the joker. he loves laughing and making people laugh. dressed in funky clothing, he looks young and 'cool' for his age. "i got you a map of europe", he says to andy. "oh great" andy smiles at him with kindness. my dad hands him over a little box. "here's your map". confusion spreads over andy's face and mine. when andy opens the box, we see that it contains a tom tom gps system. "a gift for you" says my step father.
***
25.02.2010. my brother and i sit on the bus from patcham to the centre of brighton. a lady opposite us is mewing like a cat and cackles on and off. her eyes wide, she stares at me intensely while producing more inane noises. my brother and i exchange glances. we pretend nothing is going on and tell each other in dutch to avoid eye contact with the lady. he continues to tell me stories about his life, thoughts, feelings. he manages to ignore the lady, i'm not so successful, she makes me nervous, fearful. all of a sudden i am deeply amused by and appreciative of my brother who just continues to talk on and on, like nothing is going on, while a cat lady makes crazy mewing sounds opposite us. the scene is truly hilarious, and i love him for it so much.
life. it keeps pushing me towards awareness, towards being present, to here, to now, to people, to thoughts, to emotions, to feelings, to joys, to fears, to carpet fibers, to birds, to grass, lemons, paintbrushes, pencils, light bulbs and books. it's as if it screams at me sometimes, but i am so so sleepy, and unconscious much of the time. it makes me feel sad. and to that too, life wants me to be present. so i try, and then i am, and then fall asleep again, while being awake.
i'm taking more active measures to remain here. to remain now. it is really the only thing there is, so i'd better start valuing it, savouring it and noticing it more.
***
there is more. there is art, there is people, there is family who i don't see a lot like my cousin mirjam who is beautiful in and out. there is my only living grandma who is gentle, beautiful and sweet, there are two young children, david and levi with sparkles in their eyes. there are my online art students, there is the blue, blue sky today with breath taking sunshine. there is my rainbow coloured fingerless gloves, nail varnish and my obsession with tidying the house. there are the big stuffed floppy elephant and the great green stuffed crocodile my mum gave us. there are my issues with food, my rheumatism, new meds that seem to make me fearful.
and of course of course of course, there are andy & dylan. andy, who is gentle, compassionate, beautiful and kind. his new thing is that he likes to give food to the birds in the garden. he goes out to buy those bird food balls and hanger things. the first 3 days, no birds came, while he stood excitedly in front of the window, looking out. now, we've seen several, including a robin and a 'koolmeesje'. he makes me smile and sigh inside. he helps me, loves me, cares for me with kindness.
and dylbee, the centre of my universe, who manages to throw up on everything i own, including my face, and who knows exactly to poo mountains of poo when he's not wearing a nappy, making me and andy laugh our heads off. dylan, who now is learning to eat solids and smears it all over his face with careful precision and who likes to put his feet and toes in his mouth! dylan, who makes me heart leap, swell, jump and grow, every day.
