Thursday, 30 July 2009
Monday, 27 July 2009
follow the blob.
hallo hallo.
it is i, lady buddha (or rather; lady kitchen god).
because i sit leaning back in those pictures, the stomach still doesn't look that big, so here is a picture of the stomach standing up!
i have been utterly exhausted with the energy levels of a doped up sloth! i sleep, sleep, sleep (sometimes 12 hours a day) and eat and sit and do little else than watch tv shows and make some art here and there. walking merely the smallest distances means i need yet another sleep and moving about/ around in bed is extremely cumbersome and rather hilarious.
so, needless to say; the baby is nearly ready to come out! on monday, i'll be 37 weeks, which means the baby will be full term. if he's born any day after monday he is not considered pre-term. yay. he could come any day now, although most first babies come after 40 weeks, so if that's the case, it's at least another 3 weeks to go.
i'm hoping he'll come a bit early (if he's ready for that), i like the idea he might be born on either the 7th, 8th or 9th of august, as his bday would then be: 07.08.09 or 08.08.09 or 09.08.09, i like auspicious number formations that way. ha ha. but any date and him being healthy and happy is fine by me, obviously.
i have another obstetrician appt tomorrow and they'll check if his head is engaging yet. i'm a bit worried, because if he's not lying head down, he might need to be moved manually which isn't a pleasant experience. been trying to do all sorts of exercises to get him in the correct position, but dunno what he's doing. my midwife said i have quite a lot of amniotic fluid which means he can more easily move about which at this point i don't really want him to do, just head down he should stay now to make labour most comfortable & shorter. oh well, we'll have to see tomorrow and decide from there on.
so, absolutely no energy for anything, but i still have a few art projects planned and i will muster up the energy! i'm hoping to do 2 more art vids for youtube before baby comes (1 ATC related, the other the house shrine) and i have a new piece of wood, we found on the streets i want to paint on. so, gonna try to do that.
also, though it's all just tired tired tired, i mustered up the energy to make indian food tonight! i hardly ever cook 'properly', i'm the kind of person that slaps a dish together in 10 minutes. i never work off recipes or whatever, but really wanted to try and do some proper indian food and it went well! andy liked it, me too, although slightly too spicy. want to do a bit more of that!
ok, some random tam trivia:
* love love loving my iphone still! game i play most is 'doodle jump'! anyone else play that? i like 'scramble' too, but it also gives me an inferiority complex with its; 'you have found [merely] 30 out of 3 million [really easy, you loser] words!' meugh.
* i've been useless at replying to everyone on blogs, emails, comments, twitter, fb; my apologies, i will also muster up the energy for that, i hope!
* been rewatching 'the lord of the rings', and have the following comments;
* i've developed a real addiction to nero's 'fruitboosters' (specifically the berry flavoured one).
and that was it for the tam trivia.
now, on to some art.
i was really inspired by this person's 'blob art': http://tinyurl.com/3jahqe - basically, the person puts some paint on to one page, closes the book, created blobs and then looked for obvious shapes/ patterns and then drew on top of the blobs. (check it out it's really cool). on my art journal course, we did the blob making, but i never thought about then drawing actual drawings on top while using the pre-created blob shapes! so, i did one today! :) lookit!
this was the before:
and this was after:
cool no? nowhere as 'good' as the person i was inspired by, but i enjoyed doing it very much, i liked creating nonsense creatures like the seasnake type thingie and the monster and the random faces and a hellboy/ dragon looking seahorsey! gonna do many more of these.
some more art:
2 new portraits:
detail from an art journal entry:
& new stuff in my etsy shop!
i'm selling 3 x A5 cardstock print sets for $15 + shipping of the following:
they can be hung up like little prints, or sent to friends and family as postcards.
to buy GO TO MY ETSY SHOP.
i also have a SPECIAL OFFER on; buy both my workshops for a REDUCED PRICE!
ok, i think that is it for a long, but informative and fun ;) tamisode.
hope everyone is well, forgive my scarce appearances and responses, i love you truly, you know that! ;)
it is i, lady buddha (or rather; lady kitchen god).
because i sit leaning back in those pictures, the stomach still doesn't look that big, so here is a picture of the stomach standing up!
i have been utterly exhausted with the energy levels of a doped up sloth! i sleep, sleep, sleep (sometimes 12 hours a day) and eat and sit and do little else than watch tv shows and make some art here and there. walking merely the smallest distances means i need yet another sleep and moving about/ around in bed is extremely cumbersome and rather hilarious.
so, needless to say; the baby is nearly ready to come out! on monday, i'll be 37 weeks, which means the baby will be full term. if he's born any day after monday he is not considered pre-term. yay. he could come any day now, although most first babies come after 40 weeks, so if that's the case, it's at least another 3 weeks to go.
i'm hoping he'll come a bit early (if he's ready for that), i like the idea he might be born on either the 7th, 8th or 9th of august, as his bday would then be: 07.08.09 or 08.08.09 or 09.08.09, i like auspicious number formations that way. ha ha. but any date and him being healthy and happy is fine by me, obviously.
i have another obstetrician appt tomorrow and they'll check if his head is engaging yet. i'm a bit worried, because if he's not lying head down, he might need to be moved manually which isn't a pleasant experience. been trying to do all sorts of exercises to get him in the correct position, but dunno what he's doing. my midwife said i have quite a lot of amniotic fluid which means he can more easily move about which at this point i don't really want him to do, just head down he should stay now to make labour most comfortable & shorter. oh well, we'll have to see tomorrow and decide from there on.
so, absolutely no energy for anything, but i still have a few art projects planned and i will muster up the energy! i'm hoping to do 2 more art vids for youtube before baby comes (1 ATC related, the other the house shrine) and i have a new piece of wood, we found on the streets i want to paint on. so, gonna try to do that.
also, though it's all just tired tired tired, i mustered up the energy to make indian food tonight! i hardly ever cook 'properly', i'm the kind of person that slaps a dish together in 10 minutes. i never work off recipes or whatever, but really wanted to try and do some proper indian food and it went well! andy liked it, me too, although slightly too spicy. want to do a bit more of that!
ok, some random tam trivia:
* love love loving my iphone still! game i play most is 'doodle jump'! anyone else play that? i like 'scramble' too, but it also gives me an inferiority complex with its; 'you have found [merely] 30 out of 3 million [really easy, you loser] words!' meugh.
* i've been useless at replying to everyone on blogs, emails, comments, twitter, fb; my apologies, i will also muster up the energy for that, i hope!
* been rewatching 'the lord of the rings', and have the following comments;
- aragorn, eowyn, gandalf and legolas are by far my fav characters.
- people really should've been nicer to gollum, another example how love & compassion could've overcome his own disturbed nature but no one really tried apart from frodo a little bit.
- one of the coolest scenes is when legolas swings sort of backwards onto a galloping horse in the 'two towers' when they are just about to start a battle with orcs on big hyena dogs.
- orcs are fucking scary motherfuckers.
- the battle at helm's deep is sort of hilarious in the sense that, there is sort of a funnel effect going on; the front orcs are battling the front of helm's deep, but a whole layer of thousands of orcs at the back can't quite yet get to helm's deep as the army is so huge and the front of helm's deep relatively small (funnel effect), and i always wonder what the 8000 orcs are doing who can't actually attack helm's deep yet, do they just chat about lunch or making bets, twiddling their thumbs?.
- quote gimli: "no one tosses a dwarf" very funny.
- ents are fucking annoying and hard to understand.
- samwise gamgee is lovely, but he should be nicer to gollum.
- i keep being confused by which of the two other hobbits is also in lost.
- denethor II (steward of gondor and asshole father to faramir) plays a much nicer character in 'fringe' as dr. walter bishop. imagine all the therapy faramir is gonna need!
- orcs are fucking scary motherfuckers.
- though i don't usually enjoy big battle scenes (they bore me to death in films such as alexander, troy etc), the battle at helm's deep was pretty interesting and impressive, also because it maintains some kind of humour.
- the music in all the 3 films is awesome.
* i've developed a real addiction to nero's 'fruitboosters' (specifically the berry flavoured one).
and that was it for the tam trivia.
now, on to some art.
i was really inspired by this person's 'blob art': http://tinyurl.com/3jahqe - basically, the person puts some paint on to one page, closes the book, created blobs and then looked for obvious shapes/ patterns and then drew on top of the blobs. (check it out it's really cool). on my art journal course, we did the blob making, but i never thought about then drawing actual drawings on top while using the pre-created blob shapes! so, i did one today! :) lookit!
this was the before:
and this was after:
cool no? nowhere as 'good' as the person i was inspired by, but i enjoyed doing it very much, i liked creating nonsense creatures like the seasnake type thingie and the monster and the random faces and a hellboy/ dragon looking seahorsey! gonna do many more of these.
some more art:
2 new portraits:
detail from an art journal entry:
& new stuff in my etsy shop!
i'm selling 3 x A5 cardstock print sets for $15 + shipping of the following:
they can be hung up like little prints, or sent to friends and family as postcards.
to buy GO TO MY ETSY SHOP.
i also have a SPECIAL OFFER on; buy both my workshops for a REDUCED PRICE!
ok, i think that is it for a long, but informative and fun ;) tamisode.
hope everyone is well, forgive my scarce appearances and responses, i love you truly, you know that! ;)
Wednesday, 22 July 2009
the thing that wakes up.
i love what adyashanti said here:
"the odd thing about spiritual awakening is; the thing that wakes up, is not the thing that's searching"
that's exactly how i think "enlightenment" is. this ego, this me, that searches isn't what it's all about at all, that bit isn't going to have a realisation, it's the "other" bit! :) i love how he said it so concisely! :) brings me much clarity.
oh shame, embedding is disabled! go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=29PDdi1cJAM
"the odd thing about spiritual awakening is; the thing that wakes up, is not the thing that's searching"
that's exactly how i think "enlightenment" is. this ego, this me, that searches isn't what it's all about at all, that bit isn't going to have a realisation, it's the "other" bit! :) i love how he said it so concisely! :) brings me much clarity.
oh shame, embedding is disabled! go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=29PDdi1cJAM
Tuesday, 21 July 2009
a me update
i was contemplating going to bed instead of writing an update, but i was feeling inspired and filled with love for people and wanted to write, to connect.
i don't have pics of the wedding thing just yet (the ones that were taken, let's just say; i ain't impressed with how i look but hey, i shall post them anyway, later) and i have no pics of my latest art journal entries either, yet, need to scan them still, so it's gonna be all text, apart from this picture:
which just made me smile so much. i've said it before, but i'll say it again; i ♥ lolcatz a lot a lot. :-)
i sit here with really tired eyes because i didn't sleep much last night. not because of 'the wedding', but because the baby was moving a lot less than he had in the week before and that can sometimes be a sign of something gone wrong. luckily my sturdy heartbeat monitor said all was fine, so i was semi reassured but i was still confused by the decreased sense of activity so i couldn't sleep very well.
consequently i was quite a bit spaced out when going to the town hall to say the vows. the ritual/ tradition, bemused me, yet unexpectedly moved andy. i have deeper underlying issues with the concept of marriage and the wording they use to 'bind' you. like; 'i promise', to me, that's a silly thing to say, 'i promise to love you' sounds hollow and empty to me, however, i WANT to love and cherish you and i do love and cherish feels completely different. 'promise' sounds like it's something you do because you should but you may not necessarily want to, while saying; 'i want to', sounds authentic to me! (should've written our own vows after all oh well).
anyhoo, we did it, and i'm happy we did it, i just get triggered around traditional/ ritual stuff, something around autonomy and authenticity for me! :)
afterwards we went to food for friends with the two witnesses (hugh & trish) and spent ages there, it was lovely.
as rho and alix have suggested i can now be addressed as: 'Lady (or "my Ladyship") Oddkidd' (andy's online screenname), alternatively; 'Mrs Mason', or simply; 'Yo Tam'. ;) (Empress or Goddess tam works too! ;).
i've entered into week 37 of pregnancy, that means 4 WEEKS left (if he decides to come on time), i'm incredibly excited! the nct (antenatal) classes are awesome, really clear about all the pros and cons of all the decisions you need to make. today they discussed being induced and that doesn't look like fun AT ALL.
i feel really prepared and not scared of any potential pain, just want all to go well for the baby and aim to work together with my body as much as possible. i sewed my big huge tent shirt together yesterday so that i have the option to feel as comfortable as possible (but i think i'll probably tear it off anyway). i might also use the birthing pool a bit to help with possible pain relief.
i've written our birth plan (really detailed) and a list for andy with stuff for him to do during labour. i don't think there isn't anything we haven't prepared for.
so yes, ready to welcome new baby into this crazy old world! :)
i've been very moved by some online activity and the connections made here, i just want to express my gratitude for that, at times, - it's probably hormones! (don't blame on the sunshine, don't blame on the moonlight, don't blame it on the good times, blame it on the HORMONES) - i go round all my sites, twitter, facebook, lj, ning etc and just observe all the buzzing of the people and i am overwhelmed by so much love and emotion. :-) and gratitude, just a lot of gratitude.
♥
i don't have pics of the wedding thing just yet (the ones that were taken, let's just say; i ain't impressed with how i look but hey, i shall post them anyway, later) and i have no pics of my latest art journal entries either, yet, need to scan them still, so it's gonna be all text, apart from this picture:
which just made me smile so much. i've said it before, but i'll say it again; i ♥ lolcatz a lot a lot. :-)
i sit here with really tired eyes because i didn't sleep much last night. not because of 'the wedding', but because the baby was moving a lot less than he had in the week before and that can sometimes be a sign of something gone wrong. luckily my sturdy heartbeat monitor said all was fine, so i was semi reassured but i was still confused by the decreased sense of activity so i couldn't sleep very well.
consequently i was quite a bit spaced out when going to the town hall to say the vows. the ritual/ tradition, bemused me, yet unexpectedly moved andy. i have deeper underlying issues with the concept of marriage and the wording they use to 'bind' you. like; 'i promise', to me, that's a silly thing to say, 'i promise to love you' sounds hollow and empty to me, however, i WANT to love and cherish you and i do love and cherish feels completely different. 'promise' sounds like it's something you do because you should but you may not necessarily want to, while saying; 'i want to', sounds authentic to me! (should've written our own vows after all oh well).
anyhoo, we did it, and i'm happy we did it, i just get triggered around traditional/ ritual stuff, something around autonomy and authenticity for me! :)
afterwards we went to food for friends with the two witnesses (hugh & trish) and spent ages there, it was lovely.
as rho and alix have suggested i can now be addressed as: 'Lady (or "my Ladyship") Oddkidd' (andy's online screenname), alternatively; 'Mrs Mason', or simply; 'Yo Tam'. ;) (Empress or Goddess tam works too! ;).
i've entered into week 37 of pregnancy, that means 4 WEEKS left (if he decides to come on time), i'm incredibly excited! the nct (antenatal) classes are awesome, really clear about all the pros and cons of all the decisions you need to make. today they discussed being induced and that doesn't look like fun AT ALL.
i feel really prepared and not scared of any potential pain, just want all to go well for the baby and aim to work together with my body as much as possible. i sewed my big huge tent shirt together yesterday so that i have the option to feel as comfortable as possible (but i think i'll probably tear it off anyway). i might also use the birthing pool a bit to help with possible pain relief.
i've written our birth plan (really detailed) and a list for andy with stuff for him to do during labour. i don't think there isn't anything we haven't prepared for.
so yes, ready to welcome new baby into this crazy old world! :)
i've been very moved by some online activity and the connections made here, i just want to express my gratitude for that, at times, - it's probably hormones! (don't blame on the sunshine, don't blame on the moonlight, don't blame it on the good times, blame it on the HORMONES) - i go round all my sites, twitter, facebook, lj, ning etc and just observe all the buzzing of the people and i am overwhelmed by so much love and emotion. :-) and gratitude, just a lot of gratitude.
♥
Thursday, 16 July 2009
Wednesday, 15 July 2009
Tuesday, 14 July 2009
wild geese
Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
from Dream Work by Mary Oliver
published by Atlantic Monthly Press
© Mary Oliver
by Mary Oliver
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
from Dream Work by Mary Oliver
published by Atlantic Monthly Press
© Mary Oliver
Monday, 13 July 2009
awesome art journal available on DVD!
sooooooo, my AWESOME ART JOURNAL course is now finished and is
available on DVD YAY! :0)
*Awesome Art Journal*
Mixed Media Art Journal Workshop
Now Available on DVD!
Art Journals are magical places where all judgements fall away! Your Art Journal is a place where you can create without inhibitions or fear of 'doing it wrong'. Art Journals are not for making 'perfect' art (what is that anyway?), they are for soul expression, a space for you to be, to express, create, to heal, to laugh, to cry! This course will do just that; help you express your soul in creative, expressive and outrageous ways!
Student Feedback:
"This is a course that will help to ignite your journal creations through different and attractive techniques. Interspersed with some healing techniques that could be integrated, along with the techniques learnt, into your journaling by means of weekly exercises. Everything happens in a gentle and relaxing environment where you can get feedback and find even more inspiration through interaction with other participants."
~Tere Valenzuela, Mexico
What You're Buying
Please note: the DVD you are buying is a DATA DVD. The file format of the videos on the DVD is in .mov. This means you cannot watch the files on your TV unless your DVD player specifically plays the above mentioned file format. The files on the DVD can be played on PCs or MACs using either Quicktime (.mov files) or VLC Player.I strongly recommend Quicktime for .mov files though as the VLC player tends to distort the videos ever so slightly.
You get 1 DVD which contain 6 .mov files (about 7.5 hours of lessons in total) and 13 PDF files. A supply list and course outline is also included on the DVD in PDF format. The DVD case has a professionally printed sleeve covering it.
July, 2009
This course ran on my ning network from 8th June 2009 - 12th July 2009 for 56 students. As I am pregnant at the moment and won’t be able to run the course any time soon again I’ve decided to make the course available on DVD so that those who missed out can follow the course as well minus the interaction with myself and other students.
Technical requirements: the .mov files play best in the software program Quicktime. You can also play them in VLC player but I noticed that VLC distorts my videos slightly so I highly recommend playing them in Quicktime (this programme can be downloaded for free off the internet).
Course skill level: Beginner & Intermediate
The DVD contains 6 video files covering 5 weeks of mixed media art journal lessons. Pls note that I have NOT taken out little chats or comments which related to events or circumstances happening at the time.
On the disc you will find 13 PDFs that look at the methods and techniques that were covered in the videos and some of them list exercises and/or homework. In some weeks a healing theme is interwoven into the lesson.
Each video looks at two themes often covering several techniques to implement the theme into your art journal.
Course Outline
Student Feedback
(with permission)
"AWESOME!!!!!!!" - Klair Scattergood
"Just take it, dammit, (you will be glad you did)! ;D"
- Ursula Lengyel
"Nice course, especially for beginners. Tam is an excellent teacher. She is extremely patient and will take whatever time is necessary to be sure you understand what she is teaching."
- Susan Koopmans
"All and a very thorough walk through of most aspects of Art journaling, and in addition most of the techniques can also be used in paintings. The course guides you through enough techniques to keep you going for a long time. Willowing way of teaching is both fun and inspiring - so you better have your materials ready, because you will want to get started as soon as you here her first "Hallooooooo everyone" ;-)."
- Mette Engell
"Tam offers a solid course in art journaling, presented in a playful way that invites participation."
- Alix North
"It was AWESOME!!!! I highly recommend it to anyone who loves art & journaling!!"
-Debi Lowe
BUY NOW!
$50 + shipping
For more information on the course, pls DOWNLOAD THIS PDF
ADDITIONALLY! I ALSO DO A SPECIAL OFFER NOW!
buy both the world of whimsy course AND the awesome art journal course for
BUY NOW!
$85 + shipping
available on DVD YAY! :0)
*Awesome Art Journal*
Mixed Media Art Journal Workshop
Now Available on DVD!
Art Journals are magical places where all judgements fall away! Your Art Journal is a place where you can create without inhibitions or fear of 'doing it wrong'. Art Journals are not for making 'perfect' art (what is that anyway?), they are for soul expression, a space for you to be, to express, create, to heal, to laugh, to cry! This course will do just that; help you express your soul in creative, expressive and outrageous ways!
Student Feedback:
"This is a course that will help to ignite your journal creations through different and attractive techniques. Interspersed with some healing techniques that could be integrated, along with the techniques learnt, into your journaling by means of weekly exercises. Everything happens in a gentle and relaxing environment where you can get feedback and find even more inspiration through interaction with other participants."
~Tere Valenzuela, Mexico
What You're Buying
Please note: the DVD you are buying is a DATA DVD. The file format of the videos on the DVD is in .mov. This means you cannot watch the files on your TV unless your DVD player specifically plays the above mentioned file format. The files on the DVD can be played on PCs or MACs using either Quicktime (.mov files) or VLC Player.I strongly recommend Quicktime for .mov files though as the VLC player tends to distort the videos ever so slightly.
You get 1 DVD which contain 6 .mov files (about 7.5 hours of lessons in total) and 13 PDF files. A supply list and course outline is also included on the DVD in PDF format. The DVD case has a professionally printed sleeve covering it.
July, 2009
This course ran on my ning network from 8th June 2009 - 12th July 2009 for 56 students. As I am pregnant at the moment and won’t be able to run the course any time soon again I’ve decided to make the course available on DVD so that those who missed out can follow the course as well minus the interaction with myself and other students.
Technical requirements: the .mov files play best in the software program Quicktime. You can also play them in VLC player but I noticed that VLC distorts my videos slightly so I highly recommend playing them in Quicktime (this programme can be downloaded for free off the internet).
Course skill level: Beginner & Intermediate
The DVD contains 6 video files covering 5 weeks of mixed media art journal lessons. Pls note that I have NOT taken out little chats or comments which related to events or circumstances happening at the time.
On the disc you will find 13 PDFs that look at the methods and techniques that were covered in the videos and some of them list exercises and/or homework. In some weeks a healing theme is interwoven into the lesson.
Each video looks at two themes often covering several techniques to implement the theme into your art journal.
Student Feedback
(with permission)
"AWESOME!!!!!!!" - Klair Scattergood
"Just take it, dammit, (you will be glad you did)! ;D"
- Ursula Lengyel
"Nice course, especially for beginners. Tam is an excellent teacher. She is extremely patient and will take whatever time is necessary to be sure you understand what she is teaching."
- Susan Koopmans
"All and a very thorough walk through of most aspects of Art journaling, and in addition most of the techniques can also be used in paintings. The course guides you through enough techniques to keep you going for a long time. Willowing way of teaching is both fun and inspiring - so you better have your materials ready, because you will want to get started as soon as you here her first "Hallooooooo everyone" ;-)."
- Mette Engell
"Tam offers a solid course in art journaling, presented in a playful way that invites participation."
- Alix North
"It was AWESOME!!!! I highly recommend it to anyone who loves art & journaling!!"
-Debi Lowe
$50 + shipping
For more information on the course, pls DOWNLOAD THIS PDF
ADDITIONALLY! I ALSO DO A SPECIAL OFFER NOW!
buy both the world of whimsy course AND the awesome art journal course for
BUY NOW!
$85 + shipping
Friday, 10 July 2009
Tuesday, 7 July 2009
snoozing & drawing
the day is spent snoozing, drawing and noticing the rain. also, the strumming guitar sounds in 'both sides now'. joni mitchell's voice echoes through the valleys of my soul.
the art journal course is now finished and i'm feeling relaxed and ready to do this birthing thing. another 5-6 weeks of waiting, letting baby get bigger and fatter, ha, so that he has all he needs when he comes out. it feels peaceful.
i have small little art projects planned that i know i have time for now; making puppets, working more often in art journal, sewing some bags & pouches, recording a few more songs, some more youtube vids and doing ATCs. also, preparing the art journal course for dvd. but i can take it slowly, no more mad rushing, aaaah. just peaceful.
nero's at the end of our street (i know evil corporation, but!) do these amazing iced "milk" shakes without milk in them. it's basically fruit juice with finely minced ice. i can't get enough of them, so yummy.
we have loads of antenatal classes lined up over the next couple of weeks. we have 3 this week alone. yesterday's taught me a few interesting things. it's funny though because every time i ask a question, the lady seems to think i ask because 'i'm scared', instead, i ask because 'i like to be informed and know what i'm in for'. ha ha. it's all good. they have chocolate biscuits there every session, so i'm happy. ;) we have another one tonight and another on thursday, then it's 2 a week.
i'm the furthest along of the group (by 2 days, another girl is due on 19th august). there are 6 couples, 3 women know what they're having and they all are having boys, the other 3 don't know. every time i'm in the class, the baby goes bonkers, moving and flitting about, not sure what that is about!
yesterday they discussed the best position to have your baby in for birth, head down, back pointing to your belly button (not your spine), and they gave us exercises to help baby get into that position (although, on 2 occasions now, midwives have told me baby is already head down which apparently is a good sign, yay!) it's all very interesting because, for instance, the lady explained really well how women don't do themselves a favour at all by lying on their backs giving birth, the end bit of the spine actually gets in the way that way; labour will be longer and more painful. if you're upright, on all fours or on your knees it's much easier because the end bit of the spit gets pointed out- or upwards and makes more space for baby's head to go through. interesting stuff. i've always wanted to be able to walk most of the time, i might have problems being on my knees because of rheumatism but i can definitely try to stay upright a lot.
last night, i had a big cry session with andy, all about the body image thing, and andy was so lovely and understanding and he suggested we buy a big night gown and made it so that i was totally comfortable. he didn't say; 'oh don't be so ridiculous, it doesn't matter what you look like blah blah', comments like that are SO unhelpful. of course i KNOW it doesn't matter what i look like and how ridiculous it sounds, but if you've been bullied to death as a child over your body shape/ look, the little programming/ conditioning doesn't simply just poof disappear as much as i WANT that. my rational side understands all this, knows the psychology, has tons of healing and work on it, but, my primal, instinct side still sometimes pushes the 'survival instinct'/ 'defence mechanism' button and screams; NO ONE CAN SEE YOU THIS WAY OR YOU'LL DIE. mmmh, and that type of instinctual stuff, is hard to overpower with rational thinking, also, because when your limbic system kicks in, your rational brain part is cut off, true dat, look it up. there is still a lot of healing to be done on that one, but in the mean time i enjoy finding ways to go round it if poss.
so, andy, just had the best response to this. i said; 'at this point, it's just not helpful for either myself or you and anyone else to tell me to 'get over myself' (he'd never say that anyway, but other people would), or to try and 'not make me feel that way' because the programming and conditioning is so strong. all i want to be able to do is to focus solely on the birth and not have a tiny voice in my head distracting me with how to 'look best' thoughts, i just want to totally be focusing on the birth. (i know that when the process kicks in i'll probably won't think about, but this programming in me is incredibly strong, potentially as strong as hormones, so i'd rather not take the risk and be as prepared as i can be) so, the best thing to do is to figure out how i'll feel most comfortable with the way i'll look, instead of just ignoring it or telling myself how stupid it is, and andy was all lovely with suggesting we buy a night gown and adjusted it on the sewing machine to suit me so that i don't have to be distracted with the horrible thoughts. i ♥ him so much. :0) it feels awesome to be so understood, held and cared for.
he heard, he understood, he empathised and helped thinking of a strategy to get my needs met.
note; he didn't give unasked for advice, he didn't discount my experience or belittle it as unimportant or ridiculous, he just empathised and fully heard/ held me.
i am so lucky.
***
also; lolcatz makes me sooooo happy
ha ha; "why is it made of warm?" lolllll.
***
and i did this drawing i'm very happy with, this morning, in my new art journal:
i'm enjoying working with shadows. materials; graphite and white arcylics.
Saturday, 4 July 2009
phoebe in wonderland
my head is filled with a bunny glitter haze. i'm so tired, tired all the time. i slept 11 hours last night and then another 2 in the afternoon. pregnancy tired is really kicking in now. it is hard to muster up any energy for anything other than sitting down, eating, sleeping and doing light weight art.
a sort of persistent lethargy has come over me and with it a strange melancholy too. i went to the local shop a few hours ago, just around the twilight time and noticed the shimmer of shadow and light and soft floral scent on the breeze, green leaves bobbing up and down slowly and i was filled with a sense of beauty and melancholy.
this afternoon i watched phoebe in wonderland.
a delightfully whimsical film about a girl with tourette's syndrome who finds refuge in the land of wonder. i enjoyed seeing how the relationship between the drama teacher and the kids developed. reminded me of my time as a drama teacher in sri lanka. i miss working with kids.
i am about to enter into week 35 of pregnancy. andy and i had our first nct class (baby birthing/ breastfeeding class) last night. it amused me that i didn't learn much new, i seemed to be one of the few people who had read every single website and book on pregnancy, birth, perineums and mucus plugs. ha ha. so i like information and knowing what i'm in for! ;p
though i keep jokingly saying that the birth canal looks too tiny for melon heads to go through, i am not nervous about the actual birth & apparent pain at all. funnily enough, my main concern is around 'looking as elegant' as possible. i have body issue hang ups and i just want to 'look pretty' while giving birth. it's hilarious, even as i write this i'm laughing at myself, but seriously; that is my biggest stress point; will i look ok? obviously, i'm not actually gonna care on that day, other stuff, if not just floods of hormones will interfere with that thinking process, but really, that is mostly what is on my mind *now* when people ask; 'are you stressed?' physical pain? pah, we'll see, i've experienced so much physical pain in my life, i'm sort of looking forward to it just see if it's really as painful as they say, but looking like a moaning cow with no elegance or delicacy, now there you have my stressful point, do they have drugs for that? ;)
(my rational mind obviously thinks that it is super ridiculous to think that, however, conditioning and defense mechanisms rarely do logic). btw, i'd appreciate comments on this one to be of the; "i understand" kind, and not of the "don't be so ridiculous" kind. thank you.
so, in the mean time, i'm plodding along, or rather; waddling along. baby is growing by the minute, my stomach is so huge, it's like i've swallowed 6 basketballs, he's moving and kicking regularly and he still has a heartbeat according to my trusty doppler.
i'm receiving lovely packages from people for the baby and for me! thank you cindgoesindigo (lj user) for your amazing package with a beautiful handmade necklace holder and music for the baby! :-) also, thank you helen and amy for your baby gifts! big hugs.
we're about to go into the last week of the 'awesome art journal' course and after that i'll just be sleeping, eating cake, doing light weight art and waiting for this new person to arrive. there is really no more one can do in this state of complete depletion and lethargy. ha. i have to say i'm impressed by women who work up until the last two weeks of their pregnancy!
andy is my rock and my world. i often ponder on how incredibly lucky i am to have found someone who i click with so much. in the past i never quite 'believed' the thing we have could be found, the incredible depth of connection, trust, understanding. sometimes i think we are mirror souls or something, and i realise how rare it is for people to find something like what we have. i truly wish it for everyone, though i know many people don't believe in monogomy or long term relationships, what i wish for everyone is to somehow feel a depth of connection, trust and understanding with *someone* be it a partner or not. :-) it just gives such balance, freedom and grounding to one's life.
oh we did the registering for wedding thing and we'll get married on the 20th july. to reiterate; this is a no fuss, low key thing and no one should feel offended for not being invited as this is merely a legal formality to us. we have 2 witnesses coming and the whole things costs us about 40 quid. No dress, cake or floral napkins will be involved, just 4 people and some lunch in a vegetarian restaurant. :) ha.
so that is me. must go to sleep now. oh also; i have the craziest dreams, one had george clooney in it being horrible to me... crazy stuff!
oh and, quite a few new paintings in A4 journal, click on image for bigger versions:
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