dylan has been born!

Dylan James Ronald Mason

was born, yesterday, 17th August 2009 (his due date!), 16:55pm (GMT), weighing 8.2 pounds.

.i did not know this much love existed inside of me!

♥

my waters broke at 2am, we went to the hospital around 8am to check out some bleeding, by that time i was 3 cms dilated. they wanted to send me home because i wasn't in 'real labour' yet (i tell you felt like REAL labour to me), but i could hardly walk to the elevator and was eventually sent to the labour suite.

ok, so giving birth freaking hurts like motherfucking hell (and no; i won't apologise for any of the language! ;). the pain was intense and excruciating and at some point i asked for an epidural but the midwife talked me out of it! i tried some gas and air but couldn't concentrate on breathing it in while having contractions. whenever i had contractions, all i could do was concentrate, i didn't want anything or anyone to distract me. poor andy was told repeatedly; "don't touch me! don't talk to me!" andy was a superstar though, just there, with me, for me, whatever, however i needed.

the first midwife i had was alright, she was good at talking me out of heavy pain meds, but she wasn't very warm and not that good at connecting. when she left, the second midwife was something out of a dream. she was clear with her instructions, but also had such compassion and care and really connected with me. i absolutely loved her and at some point told her in some kind of weird trance bliss like state; "you are so SO lovely"! ha ha.

around 2pm i think, i started making use of the hospital's birth pool, this is meant to help with pain and is good for alternating positions. i sat for a long time on my knees leaning with my forehead on the rim of the bath. with my rheumatism, it was still not great, as my knees started to hurt after a while, but it was still the best position to be in when i had contractions.

the contractions got worse and worse, eventually i was out of the bath again, hanging on some hook on the wall and leaning on a bin, it was hilarious, i actually started to semi hallucinate and sleep in between contractions, i was so exhausted. but image the contractions must've only been 2 mins or 1 min apart, yet i slept for that whole 1 minute and dreamed/ hallucinated weird things about youtube and peggle, go figure.

this, apparently, was 'transition' time. the midwife then checked how far i was dilated and yay i was 10cms. which meant it was pushing stage time. i went back into the bath, and my freaking god, the contractions got stronger and stronger and it just felt like i had to do the hugest poo you ever do. the best bit about this part, is that the midwife gave me awesome instructions; small adjustments such as move your bum a bit up or stop pushing, push more etc, made a huge difference! and she did it perfectly.

oh; i did not know i could make the NOISES i made. there was proper screaming as if i was being murdered. i have NEVER screamed like this in my life! (although the midwife claims others have screamed more and louder .. lol), the grunting, groaning, screaming, it was incredible, my voice is still hoarse! but it was important to vocalise the pain, it helped.

one interesting thing that happened to me was that during the pushing stage, i just sort of 'went with my body' which is what i always thought would work best. but the midwife was saying; i should push more, on top of what my body was already doing naturally. this was interesting because again, if she hadn't been there and i'd done what i thought would work naturally, then the whole process would've taken much much longer!

eventually, when i got the hang of pushing on top of the natural body pushing already, he was coming 'round the bend' and started to 'hit' the perineum. the most excruciating part for me was when his head was only half way out, i seriously thought i was going to DIE at that point, then another 2 intense pushes and he came out, in the water!

basically, i had a natural water birth no pain meds whatsoever in hospital.

who says the nhs sucks? LOL

i have to say; the nhs has given me BEYOND excellent care.

but i digress. ha ha.

when he finally 'flooped' out, 2 things happened;

1. immense feeling of relief that 'this is finally over, this torment, this torture' and
2. i was handed my child; feelings of love and surprise and shock and awe overwhelmed me.

i wanted a natural 3rd stage (placenta) delivery so that baby could have 20% more blood passed onto him, so we stayed in the bath for 30mins or so. then, when the cord stopped pulsating, it got clamped off and andy cut it.

i just held my baby and cried and andy held him and we took pics, and i stayed in the bath to try to deliver the placenta. but that took forever and it wasn't coming, so we decided in the end to give me the injection that helps expel the placenta, that worked fine and wasn't a problem.

i needed some stitches, but it was mostly skin and no muscle, the lovely midwife was both lovely AND hilarious, when she was sewing me up (me in stirrups, her facing all my bits) she said; "oh, i love stitching, it's so therapeutic", ha ha! apparently she did art for her a-levels! so we connected over that as well.

then, we stayed in hospital for a while, me and andy just enjoying being with our newborn dylan. then the baby was checked over and by midnight-ish, we went home.

***

i hardly slept last night, couldn't take my eyes off him, and obviously; kept checking all was well, he is so so beautiful and amazing, eventually did get to sleep a bit.

today was all about trying to sit without hurting my bits ;) and learning the art of breastfeeding! (which isn't that easy with rheumatism hands and mammoth boobs!)

andy and i have been overwhelmed by all the love, support and msgs of well-wishes from all of the world and the internets (fb, twitter, lj, ning)!

i can't reply to everyone individually at this point, but pls know that i felt you all there in spirit, and i have read each and everyone of your msgs and feel so connected and loved. ♥ thank you to any and all who have sent an encouraging, supportive or congratulatory msg♥

we are now going to try to have some food and then i'm off trying to breastfeed dylan again.

oh, one last thing, i know i described the birth as pretty much horrendous and torture and i won't lie about that; to me it was in many ways, but seeing this child afterwards, holding him and discovering new territories of love you didn't know existed, DOES make it all worth it.



(clearer pics to follow)

be the change

i just can't stop painting while i'm waiting (that almost rhymes!). :))



"be the change you want to see in the world"


i'm enjoying the messy, textured effect of the brayer lately.

free & scanner portrait

watching grey's and doing art at the same time. i loved creating the above portrait, but it doesn't look as good digitally as it does in real life. there is a lot of texture in this piece, but you can't see it that well which annoys me! grumbles.

i've been feeling some 'tightenings' in lower stomach today. i *think* (but not sure) these are practice contractions, yay, sort of! i'm hoping it means 'stuff's a'happening' but i know that some tightenings doesn't mean anything might be happening soon per se. sooooo i shall practise patience! :)

here is a scanner art portrait, gary is running a challenge in this area, but i used to do them in sri lanka a lot too, nice and moody! notice the annoying lines! i really need a new and higher quality scanner. :) this is me and 'bunny' (highly sophisticated name i invented for my cute soft toy. ;)



detail, which i prefer:



so, still around, taking it easy now. andy and i walked to the shops and back today and it was a bit much on my poor back!!

happy weekend everyone. x

wood girl & stuff

wood girl
19" x 25"
mixed media on wood
(for sale)

still no baby come a'peeking yet. :0)

i spent yesterday in the hospital because this polyp i apparently have on my cervix started bleeding again. those of you who follow me on twitter know this already. it was fine, baby is fine, just a bit of blood again, but because they are very cautious, they wanted to keep me overnight for observation.

i think hospitals are sort of weird in the sense that; they're meant to be a place of healing, yet the 2 things that really help the healing process, ie: sleep and nutrition are not come by easily in a hospital. sleep is impossible on a ward because ALL the other people on the ward snore like big heavy giants, and the food is omg, the food is so so so bad and SO non-nutritious! (toast with strawberry jam that has no strawberries in it in the mornings!). but hey, i am not complaining because, i have to say that the medical care is superb! i just don't see how, let's say, someone who's had a c-section can actually recover on the ward there if you can't sleep properly for 2 weeks! i was EXHAUSTED after just 1 night of not sleeping or being interrupted by snores and beeping machines and night staff shuffling around!

crazy that.

anyhoo, i'm back home now, patiently awaiting little new one. i know it's mostly and the only thing i seem to be able to talk about now, but obviously; having a baby is a bit of a hugely mammoth sort of experience, ha ha. you can't quite ignore the huge bulging stomach and the thought of a new person in your life pretty soon! :0)

but, i shall talk about other stuff too! yes, i shall.

1. those who entered the prize draw, here be the video with the winners!! (and also; the making of 'wood girl').



2. had a wonderful conversation with my bro on the phone today, i enjoy how we connect on many topics. he might try to come and work and live in london for a while which would be so cool!

3. i enjoy enjoy enjoy my iphooooone! :) everyone, if you haven't already; download doodle jump!

4. i'm rewatching all of grey's anatomy again, it's so bad, i dream about the cast almost every night, it's ridiculous!

5. i'm gonna prepare a portrait class! hopefully gonna run it in november depending on the needs of the bubbsie. ha ha.

6. i eat ridiculous amounts of food, never in my life have i eaten as much as i'm eating at the moment.

7. that comes with heartburn, which is awful.

that's it for now!

i'm sorry i'm -again- so crap at responding to emails/ comments etc, i do my best though!!

big hugs. x

chocolate mania.

i've been eating chocolate chip cookies and brownies while painting, singing songs and waiting for this child to make his way through me. he missed out on being born on the most auspicious of all dates (07.08.09) but it really does not matter what date he chooses to come as long he's healthy and happy. :)

it is true though that now, he's just sort of becoming a true hazard on my spine, particularly when i sleep at night. ha ha. as i said before; as if a huge giant has his big foot on me! :) i am so so sooo eager for him to come out now. both for physical mobility reasons and for wanting to meet him reasons! :)

i've been useless at replying to comments, emails and reading your journals, so sorry, but exhaustion means i can sort of do the minimum and then i pass out again, ha ha! (the minimum being: eating, doing art, singing some songs and doing necessary work related thingies).

i read all my comments though (wherever/ whichever site!) and always star everything so that i know it needs replying to! :)

today i had a big urge to record 'a case of you' by joni mitchell. i think it came out well:





hope you enjoy!

outcome of the prize draw will be posted in a new art video this weekend or monday-ish!

oh, i just wanted to remind everyone that i'm on twitter here: http://www.twitter.com/willowing

and that i cross post most of my blogspot stuff to my livejournal account: http://willowing.livejournal.com/. i post more private stuff there as i can 'friends lock' the entries i don't want to be open to the wider public.

i've been taking nude pregnant pics of myself that i was actually happy with for the future, to remember what it was like! but not posting the proper nudies here (some pregnant pics are posted on my lj, still with some bits blurred out! (so friend me there if you want to read more personal stuff and/or see the preggo pics x)

hope everyone's well, sorry for my scarce appearances!! x

windy hair girl

windy hair girl

♥

response to artfuldodgerish & rhomany comment exchange

ok, writing this with a lot of sadness in my heart, but really wanting to respond and attempt to truly CONNECT over this.

as some of you know, rhomany will be running a course on my ning network soon and recently received the following comments on her video:

from: ArtfulDodgerish
LOL such a Tam wannabe even down to the gloves and fan paintbrush - don't tell me you've been using them for years. YAWN

reply from: RhomanysRealm
I'm not going to dignify that an answer other than to say I'm amazed that you think Tam would allow someone else teaching on her network who was merely copying her.
Think what you like dear. Other people, including Tam herself, know otherwise.
Thank you for taking the time to watch & comment.

from: ArtfulDodgerish
Tam is the sweetest person, she has no agenda unlike some of her followers (yes I mean you, amongst others). She is sweet and niave and unaware that you are just jumping on her bandwagon and riding her gravy train.

Most people who joined the willowing network joined to connect with Tam, to work with Tam and to learn from Tam, not to have to listen to your comments on everything and your point of view and how wonderful you are at everything. You haven't been at it for years as you profess.

Oh and perhaps you should get a wide screen camera too, real life video can be quite scary compared to those edited pictures you use on your blog and avatars!

Good Luck with your workshop, I think you will need it because it is quite weird to see you learning on a course yourself and then regurgitating and rebadging it as a course yourself (and quickly creating a youtube account to back up your creditials) a few weeks later.

Of course I may be wrong, Tam might be totally self aware and happy for you to join the gravy train and together fleece as many people as possible with the same content over and over. I'm sure she is in for a cut of proceeds.

Never done one of her courses myself but have been told they are little loose on structure and content.

Good Luck!

reply from: RhomanysRealm
I suppose my Flickr account set up in January 2007 with art journal pages and ATCs dated as far back as 2005, and my Elfwood account from 2003 are figments of my imagination then.

If you're going to try and put someone down at least do your research. You might start by asking Tam whether she asked if I wanted to teach a course.
For someone who dislikes what I do so intently you do seem to spend an inordinate amount of time fretting over it.

---

quite a few things come up for me when reading the above comment chain (having been accused of similar 'crimes' myself, this is painful to see happen to someone else) and i'm commenting back here in my blog as youtube has a 500 character limit - feel free to respond back here in the comment section.

first up, artfuldodgerish (gonna call you art for short if that's ok, how fitting! ;)), if i may try to connect with you!

what i'm hearing you say is that perhaps you're irritated or annoyed when you hear that rhomany will be running a course on my site as you'd like there to be integrity and authenticity in your world and you somehow hold the judgement that rhomany is copying some of my work or my "styles" which wouldn't be in line with being authentic. is that right?

something else you're bringing up sounds like you're irritated around the fact that people are wanting to connect with me on the willowing network but are now somehow being asked (or encouraged) to connect with someone else as well who they perhaps were not interested in connecting with in the first place. i'm guessing this is about being seen/ heard & acknowledged?

wondering what you're hearing me say when you read the above 2 paragraphs?

i would prefer to first hear your response to what i've said so far, but as we're not face to face and i don't know when you'll respond, i'd like to let you know what was going on for me when reading your comments. i'd like to explain beforehand to optimise a sense of connection with you rather than division/ polarisation that this does not come from a judgement paradigm, but from a; 'letting you know what is alive in me' type way of expressing. i'm hoping this can be heard without you seeing it as naive or an "on the fence" way of communicating, i am perfectly capable of being a 'right-wrong warrior' but i choose not to be in order to find a way to really create a deeper understanding between all of us. (hope that makes sense! :-))

ok, so when i read the comment thread between you and rhomany i was feeling pretty sad & deflated as i so very much value respect, care and consideration for people in general in life, which isn't something i could find in the comment exchange. i was also feeling frustrated around some of the statements made as i value clarity, understanding, for my intention to be seen, fairness and justice. when i read some of the statements made, the frustrations came from noticing many factual inaccuracies (justice/ fairness/ to be seen for who i am/ and who rhomany is).

so for clarity, i'd just like to respond to some of the statements you made, again, this is simply for clarity so that you (and others) can understand how the sequence of events have actually happened.

rhomany has from the start of my ning network been one of the most active users on the site, always responding to other people with helpful tips and advice, at some point, i asked her to become an administrator on the site to help with issues once i was going to be on 'maternity leave'.

administrators on my site get free access to all courses as a way of compensation and me saying 'hey thanks'. rhomany had not intended to follow my art journal course, but as it was free to her; she attended because she could and it was free [ie: she did not sign up to the course in order to re-run it (it was a take it or leave it option for her) and her course has a completely different focus to mine - the course works great as a follow up to my art journal course in fact]

there are quite a few other ning sites that have a team of artists running different art courses, and i liked the idea of having a few different people running courses on my site as well! as rhomany always seemed to have such a wealth of information in her head and as she was always so helpful on the my ning site, plus i was aware of her work as an art teacher with special needs kids, i thought of her to perhaps run a course on the site, she herself had also wanted to do so and we more or less sent each other an email on the same day suggesting the idea! [ps. i was aware that rhomany hadn't taught online and that she didn't have a youtube account yet, but i did not think that would sit in the way of her teaching online. rhomany does not claim to have online teaching experience as such, she claims to have taught children 'in real life'

because i've been so grateful for rhomany's support throughout my time on ning, i do not charge her for running the course on my site. it was -again- a way of saying 'thank you', and also, i enjoy helping out other artists and people who are just setting up or 'in need'! - i am intending on having more people run courses in the future on my site (and perhaps i will charge something in the future, but at this point, i just enjoy contributing to others this way!), and anyone who's interested in running a course is welcome to approach me! (not saying that i can give a spot to everyone, but i am totally open to seeing what people have to offer), i love the idea of having a team of artists all teaching a variety of courses - i have already offered another artist to run a course on the site as well). HOWEVER, i've just become aware due to your comment (art) that some people might not like having other artists teach on my site as well, so i'm planning on doing a poll about that, i obviously, value what people want from the site, and i would've perhaps liked to have done that earlier, but it just didn't occur to me that people might not like this idea! so gonna check up on that.

i'm wondering if you're feeling any different reading the above list?

i'm also imagining that rhomany can't be feeling quite that happy after the comment exchange and i'm experiencing a concern for her. i imagine she'd like her intentions to be seen for what they are and that she'd like to be understood, respected and valued as well as you would probably like Art! (as all of us do).

i'm wondering how you heard all this and am wondering if you're willing to share what comes up for you, my request would be to avoid (in your response) as many judgements and accusatory statements as poss if you're comfortable doing that.

i'm fine with anyone jumping in on the comment chain but would again like to make the request of EVERYONE to attempt to express what is going on for you in such way that we avoid using moralistic judgements and/or accusatory statements (i know that isn't an easy request to make as most of all of us are not "trained" that way, but i think that that is the most fruitful/ effective and peaceful way to talk about painful stuff).

thanks for reading/ listening/ connecting.

willing & open to hearing what is going on for anyone/ everyone.

♥

Making ATCs - Prize Give Away - News!

hallo lubley ones.

here is my latest youtube video discussing how to make ATCs (artist trading cards) and i'm doing a prize give away! anyone who leaves a comment on this blog or the video will be entered into the prize draw (there are 4 prizes to be won

1. place on my next art course
2. print of one of my art works
3. set of A5 portrait prints
4. set of 4 small laminated prints of my whimsy art

so leave a comment if you want a chance to win! :)



***

in other news!

1. i made muffins!!! (but nearly set the kitchen on fire! who who'd thunk that there is an art to melting chocolate, it shouldn't be that hard!)

2. i'm 38 weeks pregnant! the excitement of meeting this child is beyond imagination!!!

3. now, when i sleep at night and lie on my back, it's like a big giant has put his foot down on my stomach, it's sooo heavy, my spine is pushed deep into the mattress.

4. i love andy so much

5. i made my own fruit booster! mixing smoothies with ice in blender; awesome!

6. we want to buy a bread maker like iris and andrew!

7. i'm gonna do a portrait class in november if baby allows, ha.

8. i want to get to 10 but don't have more other news.

9. is the magic number!

10. is the end of the post. ;)

big hugs to you guys. x