Tired, so tired

Oh God, I'm tired. Andy has been away for almost 2 weeks now and though I've had awesome support, it's not been easy. In particular, lil Dylan has not been easy and I'm going through a bit of an RA flare which means my knees, hips and feet in particular are affected. It hurts when I walk.

Dylan -in general- seems more on edge than usual, which is understandable what with his dad gone and new people arriving all the time to help me out. It's unsettling, so much change. He's also still going through learning that he has a little brother now and that he is no longer the center of the universe and that can't be easy either. The resulting behaviour is that he is more shouty, more needy, less cooperative and less easy-going. I, on the other hand, am getting more and more tired, sleep deprived, less able to be empathetic, patient or tolerant and just want to hide in a room - alone - for 5 weeks, recuperating from all this.

Additionally, doing all this, this life, work, art, living with kids without the person you're meant to do it with is rather bland. Like eating stale bread, or like wet snow, or like wilting flowers, pick your metaphor.

Don't get me wrong: I am deeply blessed. I am blessed, so blessed. But I'm tired and would like a bit more ease and cooperation from my first born and perhaps a bit more sleep and some time to art. Oh and to take a shower more often than once every 3 days. Ha.

I've not yet had a chance to work on newer pics from Elliot and Dylan but wanted to share these from a few weeks ago:


 Elliot - 7 weeks old
You can see in this pic how his eyes are uneven. I noticed from the moment he was born that something was up with his eyes. It's either that the one has a droopy eyelid or the other is too open. I have an appt for him in March with an eye guy to look at it. I'm sure it'll be fine, but would like it to be sorted for him, of course. They call it 'ptosis' on the internets and say it's only a cosmetic problem as long as the lid doesn't cover the pupil. If it covers the pupil it can interfere with sight and brain development. It may also correct itself, but I would've expected it to have corrected itself by now if it was going to. We'll see what the eye guy has to say.




And I love this picture of Dylan (29 months). There is such light in him. He has such beauty in him and I do love him so insanely much. :) But just need a bit more cooperation from him at the moment.

He's also got a bad cold/ cough and that always makes him much harder to deal with, he becomes even more needy and weepy, and though I understand it, it's just not easy to deal with. The other night, I had to force the puffer (nebuliser) on him a few times which is horrible and then he threw up in his bed first and an hour later in my bed, poor thing. Of course he's not easy to deal with with all that going on. And I try to be as understanding as I can be, but when you're physically in pain and get very little sleep, empathy is one of the first things that goes out of the window.

Here is another pic of me and Elliot that I like:

Anyhoo. In other news: Life Book is going so awesomely. I'm so loving what everyone is doing. Students are posting work, expressing themselves, connecting up, helping each other out, just being generally really wonderful human beings. So far, we've had lessons by yours truly, Juliette Crane, Bonnie Rose Bryan and Kylie Pepyat-Fowler. All awesome lessons! :)

We also had an artist interview with Jane Davenport! There is SO much to do/ see/ learn from each month, it's fabulous. I'm trying hard to find time to do Bonnie's lesson and I want to do Kylie's as well, but not sure if I can find the time!

I feel so touched and blessed to be running this course and to have over a thousand students! I know insane figure right?! Touched, blessed, lucky = the Tam. Sometimes, it leaves me tearful and speechless.

It's still totally cool to sign up to Life Book btw, all classes remain available until March 2013! So you can go back and forth throughout the year! Did you know that if you sign up to the basic package that you get access to 1 other of my courses as well? You can also sign up to other packages which give you access to even more of my courses too! It is truly a really good deal even if I say so myself. :)

Sign up HERE

And thank you to everyone who bought a Tam Art Calendar!! I was so chuffed by how many of you bought one!! :) Big hugs! x 

Printable Tam Art Calendar Now For Sale! :)

Woop woop. I finally got round to finishing off this baby. :) I know I'm a bit late, but there are still 11 months in the year so I thought there is still time to enjoy this printable calendar with uplifting Tam Art! :)

Here are the details:

Buy the printable calendar for ONLY £4.50 (approx $7 USD) and print it out or use it however way you want at home. (If you are a member of my art community or if you have 'liked' my Facebook Page you get the calendar for only £3.50, so if you really want the calendar, sign up to my art community or like my Facebook page for sure!). 

I decided to offer calendars this way as it's much more affordable for everyone this way. Normally if I have them printed by a company (at A4 - 12 x 8" size), I end up having to charge like £20 GBP including postage and many of us simply can't afford this, so I thought I'd offer my calendar as a printable! This way everyone can have a bit of my art in their home! Yay! (I recommend printing them on good quality stock paper, either matt photopaper or watercolour paper).

I've used the paintings that all have uplifting, life-affirming slogans in them, so they will help you remain connected to your inner divinity throughout the year!

Have a look at the preview - click on the image  to see large version:

How does it work?

Once you have paid, you will get a confirmation email. In this email you will find a link to a downloadable PDF file which you can then print out at home or at your local printers (they could also bind it for you if you don't know how to do it yourself!). Or you don't bind it at all and hang each individual page up each month, or you use them in your journal! The possibilities are endless! :)

Like what you see?

Buy NOW! 

£4.50

My Dream Board for 2012

This year, I hope to do as many Life Book guest teacher's lessons as possible, so that my Life Book will be big and fat and pretty at the end of the year. So this weekend I convinced Andy to take Elliot for an hour or 2 and made a Dream Board (also known as Vision Board)!

I made this based on a lesson by Juliette Crane who offered this in week 2 of Life Book! I loved the idea and thought it would go well with the 'word for the year' idea (my word is 'open').

Though Juliette's Dream Board contained mostly collaged images, I wanted to do a lot of writing and draw representative images. I found creating the Dream Board very meditative and I liked the process because I could dwell on visualising what I wanted for the year. This is my list of hopes/ dreams/ wants for this year:

• More time with family
• More community & friendships
• A summer holiday
• An open heart, open mind, open soul
• Presence
• Peace
• Balance
• Love
• Art Living
• Health
• Read more

I found it interesting to see that a lot of those wishes are quite abstract rather than concrete. But I felt quite good about that. A lot of those are inner experiences rather than hopes that depend on things that happen on the outside. :) It was quite eye-opening for me. By Art Living I meant to be able to continue making a living out of art as I do now. It is something I desired throughout my life and enjoy it so much. I want to hold onto it if at all possible! :)

Another thing that was eye-opening for me was to see how close friendships and community have become more and more important to me in life. There was a time where community and family just did my head in, now they are on the top of my list of important things. :)

And then there is 'health'. Now that I've given birth to 2 babies and am coming out of the pregnant mother phase, I'm much overweight and would love to become healthier in that respect. But food, for me, is wrought with complications, attachments and triggers, so I don't know how easy that is going to be, but I'm trying and being kind to myself about it as much as I can.

So here is the Dream Board in full:

I loved being able to create this and this will be page 2 of my Life Book! Eeh, exicting! :)

---

It's not too late to join Life Book, 

come join the 950+ students who have already joined!

Awake VS Asleep

So, I said I'd do shorter and more often blog posts, but all the stuff I want to write about seems to have long, endless thought processes attached to them. Ack. Why can't I just write quick things about muffins or puppy dogs? Or post 1 picture blog posts? I used to do that on livejournal, I used to post 4 times a day with funny little tidbits! Ha ha. I suppose that is what Facebook is for me now. The really short posts go there!

Anyhoo, there are a few things I want to write about. One thing I wanted to write about is my dreadful incapacity to remain awake, mindful and aware. In a zen sort of way, that is. It seems I really like being asleep, in a zen sort of way, I don't mean, physically asleep, but more 'mind-asleep'.

What I mean by that is: I relish in just going into automatic mode. The physically awake, yet trance like state of just doing/ being, without being present. I like it there, it's warm and cosy and comfy and snug, for some reason. Oddly, I also like being alert, aware and mindful, in fact, when I'm there, is when I feel most alive. But my default position and go-to state of being is snuggy sleepy cosy. Why? I just don't know. Clearly, I prefer it there, most needs get met there, rather than in that other head/ life space.

The reason I have a problem with sleepy mode is because in that mode I am less healthy and present and here-now. I eat too much, without knowing why I eat, I watch too much tv (on in the background) without really watching it, the noise ust lulls me; I'm dozy, spaced out, only sort of half here, half alive... Like being drugged up of sorts.

Though it's a comfy space to be in, that is not the space where I'm clear headed, healthy, emotionally robust, spiritually free and appreciating my life here.now. I would really like to be light and free and awake and aware, but clearly I also want that other state, otherwise, why would I be there? I need me some Eckhart Tolle helpsies.

I'm glad that I'm not judging myself as such for prefering sleepy mode over mindful-mode, because the harsh self judgements just seem to make things worse, however, I do wish I could be less sleepy mode, more mindful-mode. Spiritual teachers all over the place would have all sorts of responses to this that would baffle me I'm sure. I can see Mooji, Byron Katie and Tolle now trying to respond to my stuff and me just not getting it. Ha ha.

Anyhoo, just wanted to write this up, not really trying to find a solution, just trying to write more frequent, shorter blog posts, hee hee! :) Oh also, I usually have a great resistance towards any offered solutions, like: meditate or build rock towers (though I like the idea of that one more!).

:) Over and out, I'm going to try be more awake and mindful now.

PS. Of course, the fact that I am sleep deprived on a daily basis due to 2 kids under the age of 3 doesn't help with the mind staying awake, never even mind the body! ;P Thanks for reading, lovely reader. x

A Tam Update! (Finally!)

 me, published, eee!

Ok, so I've decided I need to do more and shorter blog posts instead of few, endlessly long ones! I've been mulling over a blog post forever now, not finding time, writing bits and bobs here and there and continuously remembering other things that need to be included in the post! I'm never gonna get to actually post that way and my last blog post was over a month ago; that gives me twitchy eye! And though I have good reasons for having neglected my blog, I just don't like it. I enjoy writing and I enjoy reading back over posts months and years later! So, without further ado, here is a mini update on all that has happened since I last wrote! :)

• Elliot turned 6 weeks old this last Friday and he is amazing! He's already doing lots of smiles (melt!) and responds vocally when you talk to him. He's not too bad a sleeper and is generally a pretty chilled baby. Sleep - in particular - though I am never 'well-rested', is going a lot better than when I first had Dylan and I attribute this to the magic of 'lying down breastfeeding when he wakes at night'. With Dylan I never 'dared' to do that because I worried I might suffocate him or the blanket might or or or other endless fears. Now, there are many less fears. We're all a bit more chilled. So sleeping is more manageable than it ever was with Dylan.
  Here is his cute little smooshie face, smiling and all:
  
  
  
  
  Elliot - 4/5 weeks old
  
• Speaking of lil Dylbee. He too is awesome. Though he does have tantrum and moody moments, he is generally a happy, cheerful, kind and well-adjusted little toddler man. His speech is going crazy now and he comes out with hilarious sayings and sweet stuff. He is also taking well to his little brother, though we are always vigilant because he can suddenly do something off like whack Elliot on the head out of nowhere (woops!). But overall, I worship the ground he walks on. It's crazy how much love you can feel for a little person like that.
  
  Here he is:
  
  
  Dylan - 27 months old
  
• I PASSED MY DRIVING TEST! Finally! After my first fail, I was very nervous to try again, but did it. I feel like a 'proper' grown up now. LOL. I can finally drive a car, after all those years!
  
• I got published in Somerset Studio Magazine!!! Woohoooo! I'm SO proud! It's the Jan/ Feb 2012 issue, AND, I will ALSO be published in Somerset Apprentice and Somerset Digital Magazines! (Which I think are the March editions). I feel so proud and humbled to have this opportunity to be published!! My goodness!
  
  
  
  
  
•  Life Book has started off with an ALMIGHTY BANG! :-) Over 915+ people are now part of the experience and it's going fantastic! People are enthusiastically doing the work, posting it in the forums and Facebook/ Flickr groups and supporting each other with love and encouragement! It's truly humbling to see how wonderful everyone is to each other and the amazing art work they are already creating! It's NOT TOO LATE to join the course, if you want to be part of the fun, SIGN UP HERE.

So, those were the quick up dates. But more has happened. I've had some personal spiritual and emotional insights which I won't go into right now, but it did prompt me to choose my word for 2012 which will be:

OPEN

(more specifically: "breaking open", but more about this in another post).

And here some more pictures of the last couple of months!




  Happy New Year from Us! :-)  Here are some pictures I wanted to post a while back of Elliot's and my labour.  

Early labour, still relatively 'in control', was trying to do Byron Katie type exercises on 'pain' thoughts which were mildly effective. I remember calling the pain 'my friend coming to help me'. Ha ha. That changed later! It was no longer my friend but the "effing b*tch who could go to hell"! ;)



Second stage, really wanting to be knocked out with anything at this point.
I would've agreed to a sledgehammer, I kid you not! 
It looks so serene doesn't it? It was anything but! LOL!






Minutes after Elliot was born.




Minutes after Elliot was born.

Big bro & lil bro. :)

So, that was my version of a 'quick update' ha ha. I don't think I did too badly. ;) More stuff has happened and I want to write about more stuff in depth, but this will have to do for now.

Also, I'm aware of people suffering, which is always there for me. And I send out love love love and more love. 

Big hugs!

Elliot is here!

 

♥ Elliot Paul Rudolf Mason ♥

25th November 2011

9 pounds 10 ounces

4:45 pm 

Brighton Hospital

He's here, finally. After waiting an extra 15 days and a labour that was more painful and took longer than expected as well, Elliot, little EllieBellie is finally, finally here. 

So, Dylan, Andy and I were a particular shape. We had found our ways, had our routine, did our thing and then shazam! Another being joins and you're 'forced' to change your shape. This change is difficult for all involved. Of course. So, now, we're on day 10 of Elliot being our newest member, we've already gone through: feeling weird, elated, grumpy, confused, utterly exhausted, angry (Dylan), happy (Dylan) and many more highs and lows of emotions. 

Dylan in particular liked the baby at first, but was very, very sad and disturbed to see him breastfeed on the boobies that were 'his'. He had a few good meltdowns over this, but, since yesterday he's contented with the rule that 'the baby gets milk first, because he can't eat things like 'mananas'' and then when baby is finished Dylan can have milk. This seems to have really appeased him. He often wants to hold, cuddle, kiss and hug the baby which we think are all good signs. :) 

Here they are together: 

 

Hormones are now fluctuating, so I'm up and down a lot with baby blues and crazy mummy mania, but that too is already getting less. Though not as much of a 'birthquake' with Dylan, Elliot's arrival has truly whacked everything out of shape (again!). You kinda think it won't, or only a little, and then you realise how little you were really prepared for the massive impact a new baby will have on your little family from before. A whole new shape is needed. We're getting there. I think our shape is going to be starshine heart shape with rays of light beaming out oh and a bit of unicorn. :0) 

Elliot and Tam's Birth Story

Since having given birth to Dylan, I read a lot of other people's birth stories and a lot of people don't start their stories the way I want to start mine. They seem to 'romanticise' the whole process a bit. The way I want to start the birth story is: holy motherfucking mother of hell this baby birthing thing hurts so bloody much!!

Right, got that out of the way. :) I really cannot for the life of me not say that first. It is, for me, THE most excruciatingly painful thing a woman can ever go through (apart from perhaps going through massive rheumatic pains and a few other chronic illnesses). And to gloss over that, or not even mention it up front, to me, is like, I dunno, not being true to what the overriding experience actually was. And for me it was: misery, pain and true hell. Of course, afterwards, totally different story, but birthing not my favourite thing to do to put it mildly!!

Ok, so what happened? Elliot was 14 days overdue so I went in on the 15th day to have my labour induced. I was already feeling very apprehensive about inducing the labour, I had a couple of days before asked to delay the induction in hope that labour would've started naturally, but nothing happened, so on 24th November I went in at 8am to start induction.

By 11am they inserted the first pessary. This pessary is an artificial prostaglandin and is meant to soften up your cervix. Because my cervic was no where near low down, still high up and tight shut (it was trying to tell us something I think), the midwife had to insert the pessary in a rather 'plumber-like' way. (LOL). This was not massively painful, but definitely uncomfortable. 

Then, nothing much happened for about 6 hours. Andy and I mostly played word welder on our iPhones. The fact that nothing happened in response to the first pessary was frustrating for me because I had hoped to be in at 8am and out by 8pm that same evening (still banking on this whole idea that a second birth is faster). Ha ha. Mostly because I didn't want to leave Dylan with anyone other than myself at night. Alas, it wasn't so and my wonderful neighbour was a trooper and looked after Dylan like he was her own! 

At about 5pm they inserted another pessary, again, in a plumber like manner, oh so elegant! Nothing much happened for a while again and Andy and I went to a local pub even where they had lovely food! It was actually a lot of fun to go out just the 2 of us like that. :) 

Andy wasn't allowed to stay the night, so he left around 10pm and I went to sleep around 11pm after having chatted with the lovely Katie who delivered Dylan. She is flat out awesome and she was on shift that night, so we were hoping that she could catch Elliot as well! Had a lovely chat with her and went to sleep. 

In my sleep, I noticed that some really mild contractions had started and I remember being so tired that I ignored them and slept through them, ha ha. Then around 3am, I thought my waters had broken, but instead it was just quite a lot of mucus (I found out hours later), but the contractions were getting stronger, so I called Andy and he drove to the hospital straight away.

So, when Andy got there, it turned into a bit of a waiting game, sort of, as the contractions were coming on, but not as fast as with Dylan. With Dylan the first thing that happened was my waters breaking and from there on it went pretty fast, but this time, we timed the contractions to be every 7-10mins or so and stayed like that for quite some time.

Ok, so this was around 11am and at this point, I was finding the contractions pretty painful already and then I remembered how with Dylan there was a time that I could not help but SCREAM through the contractions and so at that point I thought to myself: 'oh noes! I'm finding the contractions already very painful and I'm not even screaming yet!! - what's gonna come?' And then I said to Andy: I think I'm going to ask for an epidural. (While with Dylan I was all gungho about going totally natural, this time round I was all for trying to give me an easier time (though of course I didn't want to overdo it, morphine! morphine! morphine! hee). But yes, I wanted them to be prepared for that I might want an epidural. So I told the midwife.

She looked hesitant. Not a good start. See, here in Brighton, if you're a low risk pregnancy, they're not going to encourage you to have pain relief like epidurals and for good reasons of course. But, when you're the one in pain, you don't want resistance. No. you. don't.

So this particular midwife, informed the labour ward and also asked if she could go ahead and break my waters. She then also did an internal and found I was about 4cms dilated which meant I could go up to the labour ward (before that I was still on a maternity ward.)

Ok, when I arrived on the labour ward, I was introduced to a new midwife who I immediately explained to that I wanted an epidural. She then explained the risks to me and started what I've come to refer to as the 'stalling process'. (Again with good reason, but when you're in so much pain, you hate them for doing this). The stalling process goes somewhat like this:

Mother in excruciating pain: "I want an epidural"
Midwife who is not in excruciating pain: "Well, why don't we wait and see for the next 2 hrs, your waters may break at any moment and then it'll go really fast"
Mother in excruciating pain: "No, I want an epidural, now" 
Midwife who is not in excruciating pain: "I really think if we wait a bit longer you'll be 10cms in no time and then it would be pointless to have the epidural as it'll take 30mins to put in and 30mins to take effect. Let me examine you to see how far you've dilated."

I then agreed to be examined with a huge sigh and heaps of reluctance. So she examined me and said that I was about 6cms dilated, she then said that we could either wait and see if my waters would break naturally or she could break them for me (with a scary looking crochet like hook, mind you). I was desperate to get things to go faster, so I said 'go for it'.

She broke my waters and then the contractions really started to kick ass. Faster, more intense, more frequent, more painful. Helloooo!

Please. Epidural. Now.

She got the message and found me an anesthetist, who was -luckily- readily available, as often they are otherwise engaged. He came over and explained the risks to me (again). He also explained that he needed to put in a 'cannula' for a drip, I was like: 'whatever you need to do dude to get me out of this hell hole of miserable pain' (ok, I didn't say that, but I think everyone got the message).

So he started to faff about with my arm/ hand and oddly, he had to be overseen by my midwife doing that. It occurred to me that it was odd that the anesthetist who was going to put a needle in my spine of all places, needed supervision from a midwife, but at that point, I was so desperate for pain relief that I would've let a toddler do the spinal block on me; paralyse me for all I care as long as I don't feel this anymore! So I didn't mention it. Cannula went in, but the plasters didn't stick very well. Again, I didn't pay too much attention to it, too busy being in the most horrifying pain of my life and also: I started throwing up.

All of a sudden, the whole thing became like a scene from fawlty towers or monthy python or something.

I was throwing up, while having massive and frequent contractions, the anesthetist was ready in good old scrubs and disinfected gloves plus mask with all is little surgery equipment on a table, his boss, was there as well to 'oversee' (again: I thought: what?! is a student going to put a needle in my spine, but then couldn't care less), then all of a sudden 2 new midwives came in to alleviate the one for lunch (lunch seemed like the oddest concept to me at that point, too normal for the state that I was in) and then there was Andy, too. So there were about 7 people plus myself in one room, I was throwing up, and then, I was asked to sit on the bed with my back arched towards the anesthetist for the best way to administer the epidural. I could hardly do anything with that pain, but ok, I tried. When I went to sit down, I didn't sit down 'the right' way, so the midwife asked me to move and as I tried, the cannula (from earlier) popped out of my arm, as did about half a litre of blood! It sprayed out like mad!

Nice one.

And while under more normal circumstances I would've freaked out a bit to see so much blood squirt out of my arm, under these circumstances, I just rolled my eyes and hoped that someone was on the case as I had other things to be busy with.

So then everything got a bit fawlty tower-esque with one midwife running over to try stop the bleeding, another getting me another puke bucket, Andy picking the cannula up off the floor, other people looking confused at the labouring, bleeding, puking woman screaming obscenities. Crazy chaos moment that was.

Then when all had calmed down a bit and my arm had stopped spraying blood, one of the midwives said: 'I think we'd better check how far you're dilated because I think you might be quite far, and if you're near 10 already, the epidural will be useless as it takes about an hour to do it all and by then you may have already given birth'.

Really, really, not the thing I wanted to hear: more stalling. But, she made sense. Also, the boss of the dude who was going to put a needle in my spine said that it would be a shame to go through having an epidural done with all the risks involved and then not have any use of it.

So, even more reluctantly I agreed to be checked again. Yep. almost 10 cms now, so epidural is really not a good idea (according to everyone in the room apart from me).

Ok, why not go in the birthing pool? Cool, I liked that idea as Dylan was born in that very same pool. They filled up the bath, I went in, and then the pushing part started. Only, I was so so exhausted, so fed up, so in pain, that I wasn't pushing 'right'. I knew from last time round how to push, it's like this:

Open up, go with the downwards pressure, don't bear against it in order to brace against the pain, noooo, open up your 'canals' and willingly decide to be in even more pain than you were before.

In other words: you need to go against what you instinctively want to do: brace against the pain, and willingly open yourself up to be in even more pain. So it's like telling someone to walk into a fire, or walk over glass. No one in their right mind wants to do that.

So, for a very long time, I kept 'bracing against' the pain, which effectively means I was doing a sort of clenching thing, 'down there' and not opening up the way for Elliot, but 'opening up' was just so so painful, I could not get myself to do it. The midwives kept saying: bear down into your bum etc. t this point though I was SO fed up that at some point I said to the midwife: 'please, can't you knock me out or something and cut this baby out of me?' They laughed!! And I said: 'this is REALLY not meant to be funny, I'm very VERY  serious'. When they told me that wasn't possible, my brain started scheming. I remember thinking: 'hey, isn't there a drug that stops / slows down contractions? if they give me that, then they can put in epidural and then they can start contractions again using pitocin' ha ha. I was totally out of it, but I was so clear headed about this plan. I remember just thinking to myself: 'How can I convince them, this is a good idea?'

I spent too long pushing in the bath. At some point, instinctively I wanted to get out of the bath, I felt I needed to be more upright. Use gravity. So after about 2 hrs in the bath I got out and went back to the room. I panicked a bit, because Dylan was born in the water and I didn't know how to give birth 'on land'. I couldn't lie on the bed, lying down was the last thing I wanted to do, so, I stood in front of the window and saw this iron bar attached to it. It was the perfect 'holding on to' bar.

So I stood in the room for a while longer and I don't know what happened, but all of a sudden I found some kind of strength within me that I didn't know I had. From whence I do not know it came! I was like a woman I didn't know, like a primal cave woman who stood upright, with slightly bent knees and I started to fucking push. And it came with such strength and primal force, it wasn't me anymore, it was I dunno, some kind of flintstone in there that did it all.

Then, I thought the head was out, and this, for me is the most painful part of the whole birthing thing. As I thought the head was out, I thought the midwives would started pulling Elliot out, but they didn't do anything, so all of a sudden I heard this voice scream, no squeal: 'pull him out!! pull him out!! why aren't you pulling him out?!!!' And all of a sudden I realised it was MY voice screaming this, but I had never heard it at that pitch and with that hint of craziness before! Then like 5 voices were screaming back at me! Which was confusing as I didn't know who to zone in on, so I just kept screaming back: 'pull him out!! pull him out!!' Then, I heard a male voice cute through it all say: 'You need to hold you breath and push again - into your bum'. Ok, so this was clear, I had to push more. So I pushed more, and more and more.

Turned out that when I thought the head was out, he was only crowning! So I pushed and pushed and pushed and I remember screaming in pain while half hanging off that bar, half falling through my knees until I felt all of his limbs and his entire body fall out of me.

The relief of that moment is indescribable. It's over. It's over. It's over. Hallelujah. It's over. 

Apparently Elliot had a lot of the cord entangled around his body (not his neck), so it was a bit of struggle giving him to me, but they managed. And as hard as this labour was, I remember being instantly concerned for babe, wanting to know if he was ok, and then I held him! And all was instantly beautiful. (Though a little sore, down there).

Then, there is this beautiful peace and joy and happy stuff. The after care is something I really enjoy. They do your stitches if you need them, make you a nice bath, make you toast, give you drinks etc. You get to chat (and apologise) to everyone and you're just generally in an oxytocin bliss which is just wonderful. Also, you're just so happy you're not in pain anymore and then there is the wonder of getting to know your new baby!

Oh another hilarious thing happened. So I needed some stitches and they gave me gas and air to deal with the pain. I only ever had 2 puffs of gas and air with Dylan which had no effect, so I didn't think gas and air was going to do anything for me. But they said to use it anyway and inhale really fast and deep. And so I did and got instantly massively stoned!! LOL! I couldn't stop laughing, it was HILARIOUS. I used it twice and the second time I used it right when something was really painful, so I inhaled even faster and deeper and then I saw black and said: 'oh noooo, I think I overdosed!!' While still giggling through that too!

That gas and air stuff is truly funny, and the moment you stop inhaling you're back again. It wears off within seconds!

So then Elliot was checked over and we were released after 6hrs! We were home by midnight.

And now, we're doing the early newborn thing of no sleep and trying to adjust back into life. We are totally in love with Elliot, he is amazing. And Dylan is coping so well now.

It's a remarkable thing, this life. I'm blessed and grateful. : ) <3

Thanks to all for reading if you've made it this far!

You are not alone in this

So, I'm sitting here a few hours away from going in to hospital to possibly have my labour induced. I'm having very mixed feelings about this.

On the one hand, I realise that not inducing can pose a risk to baby as the placenta tends to become less efficient after 42 weeks (though some sources say the placenta starts to become less efficient over 48 weeks, the info is conflicted on this). Also, the baby can become big which can cause problems during delivery (shoulder dislocation for one), it is also more likely to pass meconium into the water and if baby inhales it, it can cause pneumonia.  Instead of 1 out of 1000 babies being stillborn before 42 weeks, the figure goes up to 2 out of 1000 when they stay in over 42 weeks.

On the other hand, induction comes with its own potential problems: prostaglandin pessaries and/or synthetic oxytocin can bring on stronger than usual contractions which can cause the baby to go into distress. It can also mean that I'm more likely to want/ need pain relief which can mean a need for more intervention.

More than this. I don't feel emotionally ok with the idea of induction. If feels like a version of aggressive eviction: "you must get out now because we say so" type thing. I know that this isn't rational and possibly very hormone influenced, but I want my baby's very first choice in life to be 'his own'. Ie: I'd love for him (or my body whichever actually makes that decision) to make the choice to come out. Not me or a bunch of medical people. Why would a baby stay inside if it doesn't need to? That question keeps coming to me. Surely nature knows what it's doing, no?

Don't get me wrong. I know this is not intended as anything other than keeping him safe. It's not really the case here in the UK that the medical guys induce for reasons such as lawsuits and covering their own back sides, so I do appreciate and understand the care with which these decisions are made.

And still. It feels too aggressive to me. Why would a baby stay in, if it's not healthy for him? What is wrong in my body or with him to stay in without needing to? It makes no sense.

The other worry I have is about Dylan. I particularly feel very stressed about the idea that he might wake up at night and doesn't have me but the neighbour or a family friend (who are both awesome btw) tend to him (he loves them both, but it's so much more vulnerable and weird when you wake up and everything is suddenly different and your mummy isn't there as usual).

I had a massive cry about this last night. I just want Dylan to be ok and not be traumatised by the experience of suddenly finding his mother missing in action. We've prepared him immensely about the baby coming and I have no problem with me being away during the days or early mornings, but it's that night time thing where we are so close and I've never been away from him at night, that the thought of him finding me gone kills me. (The weird thing is: he's probably going to be all right and this probably just my own projections, but still, that thought just kills me).

With induction, there is also a chance that everything takes longer and that I have to stay in hospital longer. I seriously dislike staying in hospital anyway, but to be away from the little Dylbee in the nights is another killer on top of it.

So, I'm considering postponing proper induction until at least Thursday which is when I've properly reached 42 weeks. I might ask them later today to do another cervical sweep and just give me the 24hr pessary (which a milder pessary - still prostaglandin - they insert and then send you home for 24hrs), to give this babe another few days to start it all himself (with help from the pessary and the sweep - hopefully).

Labour dust and peaceful thoughts are welcomed at the moment. I want to feel strong about it, but I'm mostly quite emotional and am on the verge of tears a lot. Just want both the bambinos to be ok.

I want to thank everyone who's been leaving messages, been following me on FB and leaving sweet messages of support and love. It means so much to me, I get totally emotional just thinking about how sweet everyone has been. <3 You people are amazing.

Love to all. xoox

PS. A special special heartfelt shout out to my neighbour Corrina who has been offering the most amazing unconditional support when it comes to this (ready to be late for work, leave early from work, come to our house in the night to be with Dylan etc - she makes me cry with her kindness). <3

The waiting game

Well gosh! We did not expect this babe to take his sweet old time as he's doing at the moment. You see, little Dylbee came bang on his due date, so we sort of assumed this one was going to do a similar thing! He was due on the 10th and it's now the 14th, almost the 15th! (I know some babies go way over than just 4/5 days, but still!)

All household labour inducing remedies have been tried and none seem to have much of an effect. Gah. I don't mind him being late, but but but, I don't like the idea of being induced, and soon the medical people are going to be a bit twitchy and will want to interfere a bit. Also, the longer he takes, the bigger he'll be and the harder he'll be to push out! And, lastly; the placenta can start to deteriorate as well. All not fun things. So, I ask the bubba to please decide to come out sort of before this Wednesday (which is when my next midwife appt is and when she's probably going to offer me a "cervical sweep").

So, it feels like we're in a bit of a 'twilight zone' at the moment. I hadn't made any concrete plans for this week, or any plans at all but be with babe etc! Now, I find myself with a lot more time and space to do stuff (though my energies are incredibly low, so I mostly do low key painting and blogging and things like that, earlier, I had a nap too, it's slow low key pace type of thing :)). 

I made a few paintings! I call them 'wacky hair ladies'.  Hee hee. I already posted 'Lou Lou' the other day, and here are 3 more! Ariana, Made of Butterflies and Smokey: 

 

 

I think the last one's face looks a bit like Tori Amos though it wasn't intended. :) It's real fun making these guys. I'm experimenting with spray inks and stencils, something I haven't done some much in the past. Also, there is loads of rubber stamping and brayering going on in these pieces.

If you're interested in buying any of them (though Ariana is sold already), have a look at my new art blog solely dedicated to the sales of my original art (I used to have shop on my site, but with the new dynamic blogger system, it's much easier to maintain a shop/ sale place like this now, yay!).

My new blog is here:

http://willowing-arts.blogspot.com/

So, anyway, no babe yet, so I'm around, though I'm low key on da intarwebs. :)

I AM however still signing up new students for Life Book and other courses.

If you want to join the 400+ students who've already joined Life Book, make sure to sign up 

OVER HERE