Tuesday, 7 July 2009

snoozing & drawing

the day is spent snoozing, drawing and noticing the rain. also, the strumming guitar sounds in 'both sides now'. joni mitchell's voice echoes through the valleys of my soul.

the art journal course is now finished and i'm feeling relaxed and ready to do this birthing thing. another 5-6 weeks of waiting, letting baby get bigger and fatter, ha, so that he has all he needs when he comes out. it feels peaceful.

i have small little art projects planned that i know i have time for now; making puppets, working more often in art journal, sewing some bags & pouches, recording a few more songs, some more youtube vids and doing ATCs. also, preparing the art journal course for dvd. but i can take it slowly, no more mad rushing, aaaah. just peaceful.

nero's at the end of our street (i know evil corporation, but!) do these amazing iced "milk" shakes without milk in them. it's basically fruit juice with finely minced ice. i can't get enough of them, so yummy.

we have loads of antenatal classes lined up over the next couple of weeks. we have 3 this week alone. yesterday's taught me a few interesting things. it's funny though because every time i ask a question, the lady seems to think i ask because 'i'm scared', instead, i ask because 'i like to be informed and know what i'm in for'. ha ha. it's all good. they have chocolate biscuits there every session, so i'm happy. ;) we have another one tonight and another on thursday, then it's 2 a week.

i'm the furthest along of the group (by 2 days, another girl is due on 19th august). there are 6 couples, 3 women know what they're having and they all are having boys, the other 3 don't know. every time i'm in the class, the baby goes bonkers, moving and flitting about, not sure what that is about!

yesterday they discussed the best position to have your baby in for birth, head down, back pointing to your belly button (not your spine), and they gave us exercises to help baby get into that position (although, on 2 occasions now, midwives have told me baby is already head down which apparently is a good sign, yay!) it's all very interesting because, for instance, the lady explained really well how women don't do themselves a favour at all by lying on their backs giving birth, the end bit of the spine actually gets in the way that way; labour will be longer and more painful. if you're upright, on all fours or on your knees it's much easier because the end bit of the spit gets pointed out- or upwards and makes more space for baby's head to go through. interesting stuff. i've always wanted to be able to walk most of the time, i might have problems being on my knees because of rheumatism but i can definitely try to stay upright a lot.

last night, i had a big cry session with andy, all about the body image thing, and andy was so lovely and understanding and he suggested we buy a big night gown and made it so that i was totally comfortable. he didn't say; 'oh don't be so ridiculous, it doesn't matter what you look like blah blah', comments like that are SO unhelpful. of course i KNOW it doesn't matter what i look like and how ridiculous it sounds, but if you've been bullied to death as a child over your body shape/ look, the little programming/ conditioning doesn't simply just poof disappear as much as i WANT that. my rational side understands all this, knows the psychology, has tons of healing and work on it, but, my primal, instinct side still sometimes pushes the 'survival instinct'/ 'defence mechanism' button and screams; NO ONE CAN SEE YOU THIS WAY OR YOU'LL DIE. mmmh, and that type of instinctual stuff, is hard to overpower with rational thinking, also, because when your limbic system kicks in, your rational brain part is cut off, true dat, look it up. there is still a lot of healing to be done on that one, but in the mean time i enjoy finding ways to go round it if poss.

so, andy, just had the best response to this. i said; 'at this point, it's just not helpful for either myself or you and anyone else to tell me to 'get over myself' (he'd never say that anyway, but other people would), or to try and 'not make me feel that way' because the programming and conditioning is so strong. all i want to be able to do is to focus solely on the birth and not have a tiny voice in my head distracting me with how to 'look best' thoughts, i just want to totally be focusing on the birth. (i know that when the process kicks in i'll probably won't think about, but this programming in me is incredibly strong, potentially as strong as hormones, so i'd rather not take the risk and be as prepared as i can be) so, the best thing to do is to figure out how i'll feel most comfortable with the way i'll look, instead of just ignoring it or telling myself how stupid it is, and andy was all lovely with suggesting we buy a night gown and adjusted it on the sewing machine to suit me so that i don't have to be distracted with the horrible thoughts. i ♥ him so much. :0) it feels awesome to be so understood, held and cared for.

he heard, he understood, he empathised and helped thinking of a strategy to get my needs met.

note; he didn't give unasked for advice, he didn't discount my experience or belittle it as unimportant or ridiculous, he just empathised and fully heard/ held me.

i am so lucky.


also; lolcatz makes me sooooo happy

ha ha; "why is it made of warm?" lolllll.


and i did this drawing i'm very happy with, this morning, in my new art journal:


i'm enjoying working with shadows. materials; graphite and white arcylics.


  1. You are a very lucky lady! I've been married twice, and I never had the kind of connection with either husband that you have with Andy. I'm very close to my children (who are grown now), and for that I'm am extremely thankful.

  2. Tam, I really understand how you feel about the whole "not lot looking good" thing. I haven't had a baby, but I know that feeling in other venues. Why don't I put pictures of myself online (despite having a web presence since 1995) and why haven't I taught classes via video? Because I don't think I look good enough!

    I'm glad Andy is understanding. And you are beautiful, all the time. Hugs!

  3. thanks PJ! it's wonderful when you can find that type of connection with someone, doesn't have to be husband, but it's great if people can somehow experience it! :)

  4. thanks for sharing about the body image issue alix, so many of us women are tortured by that (men too, i realise) .. and it can be such a painful experience even though our rational minds tell us; nonsense, ridiculous etc, the programming and conditioning can be very deep. thank you for connecting over this (more in email soon). xoxo big hugs.

  5. I just stumbled upon your YouTube videos and blog in the last couple of weeks and I have been so inspired by your art and your words. Thanks for your honesty and openness. You've encouraged me to work on accepting myself and integrating the different aspects of myself into one unified person (if that makes sense).

    The body image issue is a big one for a lot of people I think (myself included). I can really relate to what you say about the conditioning and habitual ways of thinking being as strong as hormones (potentially). Good for you that you're able to accept that about yourself and prepare instead of discounting those feelings and possibly making things harder for yourself. And it's great that Andy's so understanding as well. My partner seems to understand fairly well when I'm going through those issues but he still feels the need to "fix" me or help me and you know, all that ends up doing is making you feel like there's something wrong with the feelings you're having.

    Anyway, all the best with the upcoming birth and I'm so glad I found your stuff - it's been something I really needed :)

  6. @blackmustard - apologies for late reply! thank you for connecting and sharing what you did, made me feel heard and understood!! :) thank you so much. x


Thank you for connecting with me. I appreciate you! <3


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