Saturday, 4 July 2009

phoebe in wonderland

phoebe in wonderland

my head is filled with a bunny glitter haze. i'm so tired, tired all the time. i slept 11 hours last night and then another 2 in the afternoon. pregnancy tired is really kicking in now. it is hard to muster up any energy for anything other than sitting down, eating, sleeping and doing light weight art.

a sort of persistent lethargy has come over me and with it a strange melancholy too. i went to the local shop a few hours ago, just around the twilight time and noticed the shimmer of shadow and light and soft floral scent on the breeze, green leaves bobbing up and down slowly and i was filled with a sense of beauty and melancholy.

this afternoon i watched phoebe in wonderland.

a delightfully whimsical film about a girl with tourette's syndrome who finds refuge in the land of wonder. i enjoyed seeing how the relationship between the drama teacher and the kids developed. reminded me of my time as a drama teacher in sri lanka. i miss working with kids.

i am about to enter into week 35 of pregnancy. andy and i had our first nct class (baby birthing/ breastfeeding class) last night. it amused me that i didn't learn much new, i seemed to be one of the few people who had read every single website and book on pregnancy, birth, perineums and mucus plugs. ha ha. so i like information and knowing what i'm in for! ;p

though i keep jokingly saying that the birth canal looks too tiny for melon heads to go through, i am not nervous about the actual birth & apparent pain at all. funnily enough, my main concern is around 'looking as elegant' as possible. i have body issue hang ups and i just want to 'look pretty' while giving birth. it's hilarious, even as i write this i'm laughing at myself, but seriously; that is my biggest stress point; will i look ok? obviously, i'm not actually gonna care on that day, other stuff, if not just floods of hormones will interfere with that thinking process, but really, that is mostly what is on my mind *now* when people ask; 'are you stressed?' physical pain? pah, we'll see, i've experienced so much physical pain in my life, i'm sort of looking forward to it just see if it's really as painful as they say, but looking like a moaning cow with no elegance or delicacy, now there you have my stressful point, do they have drugs for that? ;)

(my rational mind obviously thinks that it is super ridiculous to think that, however, conditioning and defense mechanisms rarely do logic). btw, i'd appreciate comments on this one to be of the; "i understand" kind, and not of the "don't be so ridiculous" kind. thank you.

so, in the mean time, i'm plodding along, or rather; waddling along. baby is growing by the minute, my stomach is so huge, it's like i've swallowed 6 basketballs, he's moving and kicking regularly and he still has a heartbeat according to my trusty doppler.

i'm receiving lovely packages from people for the baby and for me! thank you cindgoesindigo (lj user) for your amazing package with a beautiful handmade necklace holder and music for the baby! :-) also, thank you helen and amy for your baby gifts! big hugs.

we're about to go into the last week of the 'awesome art journal' course and after that i'll just be sleeping, eating cake, doing light weight art and waiting for this new person to arrive. there is really no more one can do in this state of complete depletion and lethargy. ha. i have to say i'm impressed by women who work up until the last two weeks of their pregnancy!

andy is my rock and my world. i often ponder on how incredibly lucky i am to have found someone who i click with so much. in the past i never quite 'believed' the thing we have could be found, the incredible depth of connection, trust, understanding. sometimes i think we are mirror souls or something, and i realise how rare it is for people to find something like what we have. i truly wish it for everyone, though i know many people don't believe in monogomy or long term relationships, what i wish for everyone is to somehow feel a depth of connection, trust and understanding with *someone* be it a partner or not. :-) it just gives such balance, freedom and grounding to one's life.

oh we did the registering for wedding thing and we'll get married on the 20th july. to reiterate; this is a no fuss, low key thing and no one should feel offended for not being invited as this is merely a legal formality to us. we have 2 witnesses coming and the whole things costs us about 40 quid. No dress, cake or floral napkins will be involved, just 4 people and some lunch in a vegetarian restaurant. :) ha.

so that is me. must go to sleep now. oh also; i have the craziest dreams, one had george clooney in it being horrible to me... crazy stuff!

this magic life

oh and, quite a few new paintings in A4 journal, click on image for bigger versions:

Isis Persephone
Dorothy Alice
luminance atreyu


  1. Tamara,
    I'm just one huge shining grin right now after reading your blog! That little boy is already manifesting BIG TIME in that he has you and Andy for his earthly guides. I can tell you will be fabulously wonderful parents. We're there to provide their entrance into the world - and then we step back and watch them unfurl their wings!
    Sleep, sleep, sleep... this is the best sleep you'll have for years and years!
    All my Aloha,

  2. I so agree with Lauri whole heartily. I know the sleep ya getting is what ya'll need to see ya through the birth & first few weeks of the Wee One being here. Congrats on ya wedding. I did the Justice of the Peace when I married Mr. It was the best thing for us, We celebrate 29 years this August. I feel he is my whole heart & soul and would be so lost without him in my life. I'm happy Andy is ya soulmate, cherish every wonderful moment.
    Love & Hugs~
    Poetic Dreams

  3. The post and the art are so warm. Love your expressions of love for Andy! Those of us who have that type of love are truly the luckiest of the lucky, are we not? There's nothing better. :)
    And the worries about birthing and appearances while birthing made me grin. We woman are such funny creatures! I don't remember worrying specifically about how I'd look, but I had a horror of being weak or whiny or just of breaking down and all the bad stuff coming out in that vulnerable moment (i.e. swearing or being mean to hubby). It didn't. I was all beauty and light and patient sweetness. I am sure you will be absolutely gorgeous. In that very real deepest type of beauty that can only be achieved in those really big and true moments.

    I am so excited for you, and sending lots and lots of love and good thoughts your way.

  4. I don't really 'get it' but I can reassure you that your biggest issue is going to be big, messy hair. And you like big messy hair so that really oughtn't be an issue at all :)

  5. @mauidelite: as i said on FB: thank you so much for your lovely comment, it was wonderful to wake up to! :) xoox

    @poetic dreams: so glad you have a soulmate like too, wow, 29 years!! that is an amazingly long time! big hugs

    @evangeline: thanks for your understanding around the silly stuff! :) i am very aware of how silly it is and my rational brain keeps going; seriously tam, that is so stupid, but i've experienced a lot of bullying when i was young around body stuff so it still lingers. thank you for your lovely description of how it went for you and i'm glad you too have found that special connection in your life. xoxo

    @rho: HA HA HA. thank you for making me laugh out loud to that one, indeed i LOVE messy hair, i'm glad that will be my only issue then, hee hee! ;)


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