Wednesday, 11 April 2012

I want to tell you ...

And this one as well. Filter courtesy; tadaa :)

It's dark here. Dylan is curled up against my back. Elliot snuggled in the crook of my arm. Both asleep.

I want to write more about these experiences. Of having children and seeing them grow. Of seeing them learn and form words, sentences. Of how they can blow your mind by saying one word only and how ferociously you want to protect them from feeling pain. Any kind of pain.

I want to write about the love. How intensely it holds you and how it dictates much of what you do in life.

And I want to tell you about how exhausting it is. How easily you lose your you-ness. How hard it is to have so little freedom, so little time to do anything for yourself.

I want to write about the puke on my back, the poo on my hand and the urine on my clothes. About how I usually only shower once every 3 days. I want to tell you how my 2.5 year old hogs my iPad all the time and sneezes all over it or finds his way to his favourite YouTube video with yogurt fingers.

I want to write about how I marvel over the shape of Dylan's nose, the deep rich colour of his hazel eyes, the curve of his upper lip. I am awed at my own child's beauty.

I want to tell you how I can't get over how much Elliot smiles and laughs at his tender age of 4.5 months old, how his face lights me up each time he looks at me. How the fire inside his little soul excites me and gives me an inward smile.

I want to write about how often I've heard the song: "Old MacDonald had a Farm" and the countless versions of it that exist on YouTube. And about the fear. All the 'what-ifs' and how I have to force myself not to imagine the most dire possible scenarios involving my children and the man that I love.

I want to tell you how parenthood is the greatest spiritual lesson and a lesson in letting go and selflessness.

I want to write about how I miss going to the cinema twice every weekend. How, since Dylan was born I've only been 3 times in 3 years.

I want to write about how I miss working on paintings until deep in the night and how I miss not being able to wear my hair loose (as baby hands will pull at it).

I want to tell you about how I miss sitting still. Sitting quietly with nothing to do, ruminating over poetic ideas in life, now, most of what I ruminate about is practical stuff and the logistics on how to run our family life. ("Ruminate" does that come from Rumi? - We almost called Elliot, Rumi! :-)).

I want to tell you how I miss having Andy as the center of my universe and me being the center of his universe. And I want to tell you how there is nothing more amazing than watch Andy dance with Dylan to 'raw hide' (Dylan's favourite song).

I want to tell you about how kind Dylan is and how all he wants is to be seen and loved. And about how loving he is towards his little brother even though sometimes he finds it hard to accept he has to share the attention with him.

I want to tell you about Dylan's hair, how it's much blonder than mine and Andy's hair and how it has a golden glow in the sunshine. It's also growing dreads seeing that he won't let me brush it ...

I want to write about Elliot's little mannerisms and noises. He makes noises like a little bird, a little little tiny bird. Or a little dinosaur, though I'm not sure what a little dinosaur sounds like.

I want to write about waking up every hour at night and how sleep deprivation causes intolerance to rise its ugly head and how watching Elliot breastfeed is one of the most beautiful sights I've ever seen.

I want to tell you how I just cannot find the time to book myself a pedicure; my feet look like those of a troll's.

I want to tell you about how beautiful it is, how difficult it is, how stinky it is, how amazing it is, how rewarding it is, how frustrating it is, how funny it is, how messy it is, how depressing it is, how uplifting it is. How sometimes I despair, how sometimes I rejoice, how sometimes I cry, how sometimes I laugh big belly laughs.

I want to write about the dichotomy. Of how having children is both the most amazing thing and the most frustrating thing I've ever done. And how on some days I wish it all away: undo it all and go back to how my life used to be. 'I unsubscribe' I sometimes say jokingly. And how on other days, I thank every God & Goddess in the universe for the precious precious gifts bestowed upon me through the gift of my children.

I want to tell you that parenting is bitch-slapping my ass. It is the toughest thing I've ever ever done, and it's relentless and deeply life-altering. And then there are boys who sing 'twinkle twinkle little star'  for you and babies who laugh at the sound of tearing paper.

It's sitting in the fire, once more. <3

The result of painting Easter eggs, eating chocolate eggs, using ink pads playing with rubber stamps and generally being a savage ;) Better than Easter bunnies ;) The morning after. I'm whacked sleep wise but Dylan is ok. X <3 more love I love him. Father and son :) LOVE how dylbee looks here. :) so pretty!


  1. And I want to tell you, that you Tam are a Superwoman & a goddess. Because I could not do any of that & I've known all my life that I couldn't. And I have huge respect for you, Andy & parents everywhere..

  2. You describe so eloquently how I felt, and still feel even though my babies are now young adults...yes it is life changing, we do lose ourselves, but there is a day,a time in the future when you will be you again...enjoy every precious moments because the time when they go to school is the first day of you and Andy not being "The" centre of their universe, although they will always be yours.

    I feel blessed to have had children, and my heart aches for those who can't experience the joy, and I feel anger for those who are given the most precious gift and abuse it.

    Love to you and yours Tam, your family is blessed to have you and vice versa xxx

  3. I believe parenting is the hardest thing we do - if we do it right! So beautifully said :)

  4. I soooo know how youre feeling and where youre coming from,I had 4 children in 6 years,and my oldest Is 12 now and It just moves differently,how they grow ,form opinions,what they find funny,conversations,feeling soooo proud ( mE ) ....They never stop been amazing,and you still check them when theyre all asleep,haha even at 12 ,enjoy every moment because it goes by in a whisper ...Beautiful post ,take care Tam
    XX Manda XX

  5. Tam, as a mother of two boys just about the same age apart as your two sons....i so understand this. It is a faint but tender memory for me . My sons are now attending the University, one 23 the other 19. Take in every hour, minute, second. Love to you. -B

  6. Thanks Tam, for reminding me of how it was....and in some ways I'm sure it's much the same for all of us....parenting. I'm now doing my Masters in parenting coz I'm a Grandparent now! The time goes by so fast, so very fast and suddenly your children are making their own way in the world and part of you wishes like mad that you had them back when they were taking your every moment while your smelly body and ugly toes just went unattended.

    You are loving it and appreciating it, so continue to do that because, darling, I now have all the time in the world to attend to my wants and needs, and it's all about me once again, like it was before I had children. But part of me remembers every time I was short with my beautiful children.....every time I said 'no, not now, I'm busy' and part of me weeps for that time.

    My children are now 29 and 31 and they have forgiven all my shortcomings....they say 'you're the best mum in the world' and they mean it. They are parents themselves now and know how very hard it can enjoy it all dear Tam......and we promise not to get smella computers!

  7. Beautiful post, Tam! I too have small boys (9, 7, 7) and what you have written has so so resonated with me. I am in the fire with you... and there's no where else I'd rather be. XXOO ~christy

  8. How well you have penned the heart of a mother. Thank you.

  9. What a wonderful post - I wanted to also let you know that 27 years and 4 kids down the track (27, 25, 22 & 19) all those things that you have written still are so very true, poignant and meaningful. I love being a mum! x

  10. As a mother to a mother ... thank you.

  11. so resonating... and oh so beautifully written, thankyou xxxx

  12. Just Amazing!!!! Thank you for sharing this with all of us every single word was true to alot of us out there much much love to you <<<<< HUGS>>>>> xxxxxxxxx

  13. Your post has touched my heart. You are awesome. <3 Love

  14. OH OH OH in that first picture of Dylan (the one with the stuff on his face) I FINALLY see Andy in him!!

    Speak soon xx

  15. Beautifully put Tam. It iS relentless but what paybacks we get! Worth every posset covered shoulder and zombie-like sleep deprived hour. Thankyou for sharing. I hope other mums out there finding it all too overwhelming will read this and take faith in knowing how wonderful it all is. :)
    Jess xx

  16. Beautiful, you have summed up parenthood quite nicely! :0) I have a girl now 27, son 19, youngest son of 9. Each have been full of amazing experiences, emotions and I am blessed good people & dear friends xxx

  17. Did not have time but i stopped to read this. beautiful. :^) patsy

  18. Oh, how you even had the energy to write that beautiful post is beyond me. You are amazing. I will say I completely empathize as I remember the exact same feeling over a decade ago. But then I blinked and I dropped my oldest son (17) off at the airport one day in January to send him to study abroad for 6 months. And although there is a lot more time for 'me/ and my interests, I feel like I have a gaping hole in my heart. I knew I would miss him but the sense of loss is much greater than I expected.

  19. Laura Zato Clemons16 April 2012 at 18:26

    Tam, Thank you for this post. It was so beautiful, amazing and thoughts I have had and never dared to share with anyone in fear of being judged! I love the comment you made about being awed by your child's beauty... I recently find myself staring at my son and daughter and just gazing at their beauty! and I think there should be a shirt that says "i Unsubscribe" i love that!!! This post brought both tears and laughter....the best thing. Love you!!!


Thank you for connecting with me. I appreciate you! <3


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