Tuesday, 31 January 2012

Tired, so tired

Oh God, I'm tired. Andy has been away for almost 2 weeks now and though I've had awesome support, it's not been easy. In particular, lil Dylan has not been easy and I'm going through a bit of an RA flare which means my knees, hips and feet in particular are affected. It hurts when I walk.

Dylan -in general- seems more on edge than usual, which is understandable what with his dad gone and new people arriving all the time to help me out. It's unsettling, so much change. He's also still going through learning that he has a little brother now and that he is no longer the center of the universe and that can't be easy either. The resulting behaviour is that he is more shouty, more needy, less cooperative and less easy-going. I, on the other hand, am getting more and more tired, sleep deprived, less able to be empathetic, patient or tolerant and just want to hide in a room - alone - for 5 weeks, recuperating from all this.

Additionally, doing all this, this life, work, art, living with kids without the person you're meant to do it with is rather bland. Like eating stale bread, or like wet snow, or like wilting flowers, pick your metaphor.

Don't get me wrong: I am deeply blessed. I am blessed, so blessed. But I'm tired and would like a bit more ease and cooperation from my first born and perhaps a bit more sleep and some time to art. Oh and to take a shower more often than once every 3 days. Ha.

I've not yet had a chance to work on newer pics from Elliot and Dylan but wanted to share these from a few weeks ago:

Elliot - 7 weeks old

You can see in this pic how his eyes are uneven. I noticed from the moment he was born that something was up with his eyes. It's either that the one has a droopy eyelid or the other is too open. I have an appt for him in March with an eye guy to look at it. I'm sure it'll be fine, but would like it to be sorted for him, of course. They call it 'ptosis' on the internets and say it's only a cosmetic problem as long as the lid doesn't cover the pupil. If it covers the pupil it can interfere with sight and brain development. It may also correct itself, but I would've expected it to have corrected itself by now if it was going to. We'll see what the eye guy has to say.


And I love this picture of Dylan (29 months). There is such light in him. He has such beauty in him and I do love him so insanely much. :) But just need a bit more cooperation from him at the moment.

He's also got a bad cold/ cough and that always makes him much harder to deal with, he becomes even more needy and weepy, and though I understand it, it's just not easy to deal with. The other night, I had to force the puffer (nebuliser) on him a few times which is horrible and then he threw up in his bed first and an hour later in my bed, poor thing. Of course he's not easy to deal with with all that going on. And I try to be as understanding as I can be, but when you're physically in pain and get very little sleep, empathy is one of the first things that goes out of the window.

Here is another pic of me and Elliot that I like:

Anyhoo. In other news: Life Book is going so awesomely. I'm so loving what everyone is doing. Students are posting work, expressing themselves, connecting up, helping each other out, just being generally really wonderful human beings. So far, we've had lessons by yours truly, Juliette Crane, Bonnie Rose Bryan and Kylie Pepyat-Fowler. All awesome lessons! :)

We also had an artist interview with Jane Davenport! There is SO much to do/ see/ learn from each month, it's fabulous. I'm trying hard to find time to do Bonnie's lesson and I want to do Kylie's as well, but not sure if I can find the time!

I feel so touched and blessed to be running this course and to have over a thousand students! I know insane figure right?! Touched, blessed, lucky = the Tam. Sometimes, it leaves me tearful and speechless.

It's still totally cool to sign up to Life Book btw, all classes remain available until March 2013! So you can go back and forth throughout the year! Did you know that if you sign up to the basic package that you get access to 1 other of my courses as well? You can also sign up to other packages which give you access to even more of my courses too! It is truly a really good deal even if I say so myself. :)

Sign up HERE

And thank you to everyone who bought a Tam Art Calendar!! I was so chuffed by how many of you bought one!! :) Big hugs! x 


  1. Sorry to hear how things are difficult at the moment. You're an amazing person and have been the support for so many people, I do hope that Andy's trip away passes quickly for you. :)
    Seding a big *HUG*
    Jess xx

  2. Tam,What a difficult time you are going through! Wish I could do something to help. All I can say is hang in there. This too will pass.

  3. That's supposed to be one of the most difficult ages isn't it? So needy and dependent, yet wanting to be independent and do things themselves and have their own opinions. I so know how you feel re Andy not being there. I really hope Dylan will cooperate a bit more and the next few weeks to go by quickly. Huuuuuuuuuuuuugggssss.

  4. So sweet! My husband has that droopy eye thing, too. I think it makes him look rather more handsome but I suppose I'm biased. :) Here's us when we got engaged -- you can see it pretty clearly: http://www.flickr.com/photos/betherann/544593661/ I love Elliot's expressions!

  5. Hi Tam
    Don't know if it helps but here's me sending a big hug !
    You sound so frazzled ! I hope you can just break everything down into little pieces and just tackle one at a time so you don't feel overwhelmed by everything ! Could you find a few moments each day to just sit or lie down & do some deep breathing ? I find it really helps - maybe you could tell your "senior munchkin" that you are both playing sleeping tigers & he would lie on the floor quietly for a few moments with you too !!!! Best of luck & keep hanging on in there !! Enjoying the Life Book course - so many thanks Ali xxx

  6. Oh Tam!

    I know just how you feel. the RA should settle soon...it's just the old adjusting hormones from preggo to not. I am glad you are getting help.....just remember to be gentle with you too. You are an amazing lady, never forget that!

  7. Sending you big love and bear hugs from down under in OZ, hope you get some sleep and that everyone feels better soon.

  8. Hi Tam,

    Much empathy and sympathy I don't know what is allowed when you are breastfeeding when my RA in my hips get very bad I usually go for a cortisone shot one in each hip, this brings some relief for my whole body for about two weeks. A VitB12 shot will give you an energy boost but you need to have two in week one and then one for two weeks after. I can't imagine the B12 can be bad for baby. It will lift your mood and give you a bit of energy and vitality. Find out from your healthcare provider.

    When Roché goes away I tell Juan he is the man in the house and he gets to do special big boy tasks. He is 4 though and Dylan may be too young. I have found though that a bit of "authority"and responsibility helps to soothe the needy behavior a bit specially when dad is away :-) hope this helps.

    Fuzzy gentle hug

  9. Tamara - first off - your children are beautiful - no I mean beautiful. Second - hang in there - that's a lot of work on your shoulders - take a breath - BREATHE
    Finally just wanted to let you know I posted your blog (and your art class Fabulous Faces which I am now taking) as one of my favs for 2012 on todays post
    Try and have a calm, loving day

  10. Tam...who am I to give advice?!? Take it or not...but please stop yourself from focusing on how tired you are. I KNOW it's difficult because I've been and still go there. In place of I'm tired...just 51% of the time...tell yourself - with a smile in your heart - how strong you are...because YOU ARE. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Your children are a blessing to you and YOU are a total blessing to them. If fact, I'd venture to say, you're their world.

  11. Big Huggggs to you Tam. I've been there, I was a single mom with two little ones and it isn't easy. It's hard finding balance with one in those early days let along a toddler too. Hang in there love and try to find joy in it, this time will pass quickly. I hope Andy comes back soon so you get all the support you need and deserve...remember YOU are amazing. Sending you lots of healing love and light for your RA as well. ♥

  12. You are so amazing and I am so happy to have you in my life as a teach. Hang in there. Time goes by so fast with the little ones even though it seems so slow. Hard. Wish I could pop over with some dinner. My babies have gone through similar stuff. Best help: Hold them when they are upset. And let them play with salt. Yup. It's cheap and easy to put in a pan and let them drive their little toys and fingers through. Thank you again for the art and healing. Love from Idaho!....


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