the universe pays attention to you

i had an epiphany the other day. i was tidying our bedroom busying myself with the mundanities (yet profundities) of doing the laundry. i was musing over a depression i'd been experiencing a month ago. on and off i still felt pangs of the same emotions coming up once in a while. the depression with feelings of anxiety, dread and fear was often caused by worrying about illness and death, either my own or my loved ones'. i stood in front of the closet, hanging up one of my garments and realised that one of the things that made me so sad about death is the seeming 'aloneness' of it all. it seems such an 'alone' experience, and so definitive. death seems cold, empty, alone and meaningless. it's as if with you ceasing to exist, so does your relevance.

then, my eye caught the stunning sky above the south downs (our view from the back of the house is amazing). there was a big grey cloud with a big crack in it and the sun was shining through it with a fierce radiance. it was odd, but at the same time of my viewing the sun shining through, i thought to myself; you think you are alone when you or someone else dies and that you are not longer relevant, but what if this simply isn't the case? what if, each time someone dies, the whole universe pays attention?

and as that thought flooded me, and as i imagined how every soul that died was carefully being cared for and noticed and relevant (to the universe) as they passed, hairs rose up all over my body and i felt so calm and at peace with that thought. it was true epiphany moment for me and gave me such solace.

so now i choose to believe that. when we die; the whole universe pays attention. :-)

***

so hallow! how are you? i haven't been around foreverages i know. we've been having a very tough 2 months with dylan who has just become worse and worse with his sleep habits. this week we are finally seeing some improvement, but for the last 2 months he's just been waking up every 2 hours or so again driving me slowly but surely utterly, deeply insane. my only saving grace was andy who'd take him from 6 in the morning which allowed me to sleep until 10 getting another 4 hours or so. it has seriously been a nightmare.

on top of that i have all sorts of work related tasks that i can't seem to find the time for. we now have a childminder come round to the house 2-3 days a week, but even with her coming i find it hard to get things done! crazy.

anyway, i managed to do a little bit of art here and there. i'm working on a cute little owl, a wall hanging and did the above mixed media piece which was fun doing. i've also finally set up my piano and hope to record a song soon. but everything is just taking so much longer to organise and do.

but but but, even though having little dylan completely earthquaking our life around, look at his smooshie face and how wonderful he is!!! ->>



he's now pretty much crawling and getting all over the place. he's also doing a lot of babababab dadadada -ing very talkative and just a very delightful little creature (apart from his sleeping probs but we're getting there).

here are some more recent pics of his (he is 9 months now! time flies like crazy!) ->







and here is a pic of the three of us (we hardly had any of us 3, finally here is one);



in other news; andy has to go to lebanon for work in june, he'll be away for 4 whole weeks. :( no fun for us particularly because he won't be able to follow all the changes dylan will undergo, but it's good for the work experience and needing the money... dylan and i will go to holland for 2-3 weeks which is fun as we'll get to see all the family again. :)

so that's me in a nutshell more or less!

hope to write a bit more frequently again, but not sure if it's doable, let's see. hope everyone is well out there. ♥