Friday, 25 September 2009

little boy blue

dylan beauty

i sorta suck at poetry, but wrote this, for my child, inspired by neil gaiman's 'blueberry girl' poem for tori amos' baby and some influence by joni mitchell's 'little green' song in there as well. :)

Little Boy Blue (17 days old)

This love, it is incredible.
This love, it is immeasurable.

You fell from the sky,
came through me
like a gift from the stars.

With skin made of silk,
bird sounds and a wink
like light reflected in time.

Gurgles and burbles
and bubbles and angels
sleeps and deep sighs
kisses and rainbows.

Little tiny fingers,
soft fleecy blankets
blue teddy bears
and woolly white top hats.

You opened a portal
right into my soul,
this love, my love,
it made something whole.

Your small warm body
lies on my chest
curled up in a ball
like a round Easter egg.

May no harm ever befall you,
may life to you be kind.
May you find love, compassion
and humour. Most importantly;
may you find peace of soul and mind.

I wish you hot chocolates
in snowy winters, and bunny shaped clouds.
I wish you moonbeams, falling stars
and ethereal beauty, day in and day out.

I hope you will find your voice,
your truth, your river of bliss.
I hope you will dance to the rhythm
of life and enjoy its subtle but beautiful kiss.

May mermaids visit you in your dreams,
and may you find a kaleidoscope of friends
may laughter befall you until you hurt,
and may anger be something you transcend.

Maybe you’ll ride horses in the summer,
Maybe you’ll skate the ice of a purple lake,
Maybe you’ll play golf with your father.
Maybe you’ll enjoy baking cheesecakes.

You might like to run like the wind,
or to sing songs from the heart,
You might like sailing the oceans
or study whimsical art.

There’ll be peanut butter and ice cream,
basketball and cricket games.
Sunrises, fresh grass and little houses,
and happy journeys on yellowish trains.

May your feet walk gentle paths,
may you grow from sorrow and pain,
may your mouth speak feelings freely,
may your skin bask in drizzly rain.

I hope you’ll notice the small things,
like the bright green light
in the hollow of tree leaves.
And the beetle working hard
and the ant with its mighty colony.

I hope for you that your heart will soar
more than once in this stunning life.
I hope for you that you can go explore
the magical places on this earth so bright.

You fell from the sky,
came through me
like a gift from the stars.

A love inexplicable
has swallowed me whole.
You are our entire world,
you have lit up my soul.


Sunday, 20 September 2009

wuzzah intarwebs! :-)

what shall we do with the dylan sailor?

life is a beautiful yet tiring blur of unpredictable events at the moment. just when i am about to utter the words; "wow, a bit of 'normality' seems to have set back in", i find that before i can even finish that sentence, something new and unpredictable occurs which means that, clearly, 'normality' is still a while away yet. :-)

dylan is a dream! a loud, stinky, hungry, cranky dream, at times, but a dream nonetheless. this burbling, gurgling creature has totally turned our worlds upside down, but in such an amazingly beautiful way. he's sleeping on my chest as i write this, and the softness and warmth of him fills me with such tenderness, it's hard to describe.

the poor thing has been suffering from 'gripe', windy, gassy bits in his tummy, and sometimes he cries so hard, it's as if he's being stabbed in the stomach with a knife i tell you!! we got some infacol drops now though and they seem to help! pfew. i had a few days/ nights where all he did was either cry insanely or feed, so it was impossible for me to sleep!

luckily he has now settled a bit, so attempts at sleeping have resumed! i keep being amazed at how well i can function on so little and interrupted sleep.

another fun thing is that i feel a lot more confident now to go out in public and breastfeed him if needed. this means i'm much more free to do stuff and go places. this way we're not just stuck in the house all the time. it's really fun to go places with him and to experiment with where and how far we can go.

so, we are well, but still completely consumed by and caught up in the whirlwind of 'da baby force' (DBF), everything in my life, presently, is 'baby baby baby' apart from a bit of package sending here and there occasionally and watching the new seasons of my fav tv programs!

the other thing that andy and i really have to get used to is; no longer being each other's centers of attention. before dylan was here, we each used to direct our dedicated love and attention solely and 100% on each other and now ... even though andy works from home as well; we HARDLY get to see each other or spend time with each other! it's crazy. we do a lot of talking and processing to make sure we stay connected, but man; it isn't easy!!

i find it hilarious to think that some couples have a baby to mend a broken relationship"! if anything, a baby, in my view, can put a real strain on a really good relationship! i don't know how people who are not as 'solid' as andy and i do it! i consider us to have really excellent communication skills, but even our relationship got tested quite a bit!

another side effect of having been pregnant is the weight gain! though i've already lost 2 stone (or about 12kgs since his birth) i am still well overweight and it's bugging me. the rational side of me keeps saying to just be patient and kind and loving to myself about it all, but the triggered side of me can get pretty depressed about it and wants to go on crash diets (that don't work anyway) and aren't healthy for baby and me while breastfeeding. i am very triggered by my own body image issues (stemming from deep childhood trauma) and really want to just 'love myself as is' and practise awareness and self acceptance, but it isn't easy, so that is something i'm struggling with as well (btw, pls no tips on weight loss or whatever, i appreciate your intention, but they'll only trigger me more, empathy on this one will do! :-)).

anyhoo, i sort of fleet in and out of struggling with that one. i'll have many happy 'unbothered by it' days and then get all depressed again, c'est la vie i suppose, i keep processing it with nvc and andy which does help, a lot!

i'm gearing up to making a new youtube art vid! dylan is getting into longer sleeping patterns, which means i should have some art time, yay! i have missed that. i'm about to buy a better camera too, will likely be a panasonic! and i'm mentally preparing for my next portrait course! i'm also thinking of running a 'world of whimsy II' which should be much fun! :D

weird, i just heard a parrot sound outside! mmh. it's like being back in sl. ha.

sooo, that's me for a bit! hope everyone is well!

remember that i update much more frequently on twitter if you're interested!

big love.

Thursday, 17 September 2009

quicky update!

been trying to write a post for DAYS now, but keep not finding the time! :)

i update my twitter regularly though and also my twitvid and flickr with pics, just don't have the time to post here!

so, if you're interested (i know some of you are deadbored with it now!) in following my mini updates about the gurgles and boogles of a new mum with newborn, follow me here:

for quick live updates:
for quick iphone photies:
for little iphone videos:
for 'higher quality photos':

i WILL manage to update here soooon! :)

in the mean time; the bear necessities! ;)

bear necessities!

Wednesday, 9 September 2009

wahay, it's tam.

in other, non-dylan related news (is there really such a thing now? ;P)

1. i'm looking forward to the last episode of true blood! i thoroughly enjoyed this season, more than season 1 in fact. one thing that doesn't make sense to me though, is this 'sudden rule' of; 'if you drink a vampire's blood you fall in 'lust' with them'; isn't "v" being sold all the time? and when jason stackhouse with that crazy girlfriend of his drank that vamp's blood and kept him tied up in the cellar, he didn't fall in lust with that guy at all! (or does the blood have to come 'straight from the vampire' so to speak for it to have this attraction effect on one? ie; if you drink it from a bottle no such effects?). so i'm bemused by this new rule (if it is new) so that they can dream up some sort of something between sookie and eric (although i do like where that is going, bill, to be frank, sort of annoys me, the way he's so 'obedient' to eric, so i sorta like the idea of sookie and eric getting together -ish). loving loving LOVING lafayette!! he's by far my fav character, and i'm liking jason more and more. while in season 1 all he did was have boring sex with anything that moved; this season we learn that jason can actually string sentences together and do more than merely hump ... love sam as well and jeesh that marianne woman is scary as hell! wonder how it will all end.

2. i'm also looking forward to the next couple of months because all my fav tv shows are starting again, i know, i know pretty sad, but these shows really help me 'switch off'. my poor crazy brain just runs marathons on a daily basis, and it's nice to switch off once in a while! :) so, grey's, house, the office, lost (later i know), dollhouse, fringe, bring it on! :)

3. i was so very pissed off about this whole 'let's attack the NHS' saga earlier this august. but because i was busy with giving birth and all that wasn't able to give it enough attention. the NHS, though it has its flaws, is amazing in my opinion. i have had excellent care since i've moved to england. same for the dutch healthcare system; also very good. wishing the americans that are against healthcare reform would be less afraid of change and more informed about how the system really doesn't threaten what they think it threatens, it only means that everyone can get healthcare, not just people with money or ok insurances, and it means that your receiving health care won't be driven by or decided upon by capitalism, nor will insurance companies try their all to avoid paying your medical bills etc. you can still have social healthcare AND private on top. anyhoo, i know this topic has been discussed to death, but just wanted to say this about it. : )

4. below 3 pieces of art i did the day before dylan was born! haven't done any art since! well, apart from creating a human, of course! ;) hoping to do some new art soon, dylan is starting to get into sleeping patterns that may allow for some art! yay!

this is inspired by the character of 'ophelia' before she drowned. the lyrics are by natalie merchant, song 'ophelia'.


mother & child

so funny, i did this one also the day before dylan was born, and i think the little baby actually looks a bit like him! we have a green wrap for him hence the colour of the wrap in the painting too! :)

there is a lot of brayer action in the above 3 pieces, i was so enjoying the vague/ transparent-esque effects!

5. we ordered an awesome new bed last week (super king size) with a kickass new mattress (2000 springs) and it's arriving tomorrow! we can hardly contain our excitement! yes yes this be true domestic bliss!

ok, i said it was a non-dylan-ie post, but can't resist posting a few new pics! :) xx

dylan 23 days old

dylan & mummy

he loves sleeping on my chest!

dylan & mummy

dylan & mummy in sepia

funny face dylan

dylan's funny face!

now off to try get some sleep in batches of 2.5 to 3 hours! x

ta-ra me fluff bubblies. ;)

Tuesday, 8 September 2009

deeply moved

when dylan was born, my favourite teacher from high school (and later on; friend), sent me the below email. i used to babysit his first child, mieke, from when she was 3 years old, she is now about to be 21 and going to her 3rd year in university! he taught us Dutch in the most original and engaging way. everyone loved him as a teacher, in many ways i saw him as a surrogate father as well. :)

i was so so incredibly moved by his email;

"Dear Dylan,

Welcome in this world!

You seem to be a very punctual guy, arriving on the due date. We have been kept in the know by Mieke – our own firstborn and a longtime friend of your mother. Every day she would check Tamara’s website and let us know the latest. About half an hour ago she let out a joyful sound and we knew you were among us.

I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting your father, but your mother was a student of mine in high school. She was the queen of the school, always a central presence whenever something interesting happened (film nights, school concerts, an exhibit of paintings, a trip to London or Prague). She understood new teachers needed support, welcoming nervous me when it turned out I was the only teacher who had bought a ticket for one of the film shows she and her gang were presenting.

Tamara is someone you trust instinctively. She does that to people. She cared for Mieke, she cared for me one day when I was very ill and she simply has a boundless amount of attention, of life. She will be a great mother. She will do crazy and very talented things, and you should always be paying very close attention.

Greet her for me, will you? Greet your father as well. You are two very lucky guys indeed.

With warm wishes for you from Alkmaar,


Sunday, 6 September 2009

life with a newborn ♥

mummy & dylan

a very quick update!

exhausted, elated, tired, in love, sweaty, amazed, achy, in awe, sick with cystitis and flu, full of bliss, sleep deprived, amused.

i'm all boobs and breasts; in the house i sort of walk around with them hanging out pretty much permanently! i is da milkmachine! dylan is drinking like there is no tomorrow, he is drunk and stoned on milk most of the time. he poops, pees, wees, snores (or snorKs as i like to say!), makes cute little gurgle noises and screams his little lungs out at times. he's starting to understand that nights = for sleeps and days = for wakes, sort of. he's growing! i'm amazed at looking at the pictures from when he was just born. he's 20 days now and already quite a bit bigger! he enjoys sitting in the sling and daddy is super soother, if he's unhappy or crying andy holds him and he goes quiet, the only way i can soothe him is by pushing a boob in his mouth, ha ha.

i am exhausted and sick with a runny nose and cystitis which is a problem. obviously being sleep deprived doesn't help the healing process, so again; trying to get as much sleep as possible, but it's not working quite yet.

andy is also sleep deprived, but we have a system whereby he can get a bit more sleep. i like it when he's a bit more lucid and 'strong' than i am during the day. :-)

i miss everyone here, but am so engrossed in this little baby and have so little time to write online! however, when i breastfeed i catch up on twitter and lj quite a bit, i don't always reply, but i read most posts!

big hugs!! xxx

mummy & dylan
mummy & dylan
mummy & dylan
mummy & dylan
mummy & dylan
mummy & dylan
mummy & dylan

these are a bit older, can't remember if i posted them already or not!

dylan beauty
mummy and dylan, wrap!
dylan and daddy
daddy & dylan - hands


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